Old and New Jokes

Whats the definition of a shame (as in, thats a shame)?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a crying shame?

When there was an empty seat.

Cosas que uno no quiere escuchar durante una cirugía:

1. ¡Mierda! ¿qué es eso?

2. ¡Oh, maestro de la maldad, acepta este sacrificio en tu nombre para honrarte!

3. ¿A que te refieres que no estaba aquí para un cambio de sexo?

4. ¿Donde está el cerebro del paciente?

5. Pasame esa… esa… esa cosa brillante.

6. ¡OOOPPPPSSS! ¿alguien a sobrevivido 5000 ML de esta cosa?

7. ¿Olvidaste para qué estaba aquí el paciente? Bueno, vamos a sorprenderlo.

8. ¿Se supone que eso debe estar moviéndose? Porque parece que está haciendo que el paciente se ponga verde.

9. ¿En donde deje mi escarpelo?

10. ¿Que pasa si saco esto de aquí?

11. ¿Que es ese ruido? ¿Debería sonar así o no?

12. Eso fue sorprendente, ¿puedes hacer que mueva la otra pierna?

13. Y ahora ponemos el cerebro del mono al paciente.

Un matrimonio está desayunando en la cocina, cuando el marido le agarra el trasero a la esposa y le dice:

Si lo tuvieras más firme no necesitarías esos calzones levanta poto.

Ella, bordeando la ira, se queda callada.

Al día siguiente estaban en la misma situación, cuando esta vez él le agarra una pechuga y le dice:

Si las tuvieras más firmes no necesitarías usar sostén.

Entonces, ella calmadamente le agarra el pene y le dice:

Si lo tuvieras más firme no necesitaría al jardinero, al cartero, el lechero y a tu hermano…

Q:There are two patatos sitting on the cornerof a street, how can you tell which ones the prositute?





A: the one with the sticker on it that says IDAHO!

Dave and his wife were laying in bed when Dave decided that he was going to go fishing. He then informed his wife that he was going to give her three options for her day. 1 was that she was going to go fishing. 2 was that she was going to give him a blow job. 3 was that she was going to screw him. He told her that he was going outside to load the boat, and would be back in 10 minutes.

Sure enough, 10 minutes passed and he returned. Dave asked his wife what her decision was. She replied that she did not want to go fishing. She then said that she did not want to screw him, so a blow job it was.



She began and lasted about three seconds when she came up spitting, and replied that his dick tasted like shit. Daves response was, Yeah I know, the dog didnt want to go either.

Three guys go up to heaven at the same time, and the head angel says, its been a busy day, so i can only let one of you in. whoever has the best story gets to go in.

the first guy said,i had been suspecting my wife has been cheating on me for the past year, so one day when i went up to the 25th story on our apartment (where I live) i heard her in our room, and i was expecting the worst. i decided to kill the man she was cheating on me with, so i looked out the window, and heres a guy whos hanging from my telephone wire. i hammer his fingers, but he doesnt drop. i decide to throw our refrigerator out the window, so i hoisted it up on my back, and my shirt got caught, and i threw it out the window and i fell out with it.



the second guy said, i was an innocent window washer and i was washing windows when i saw something shiny. i reached out to grab it and the next thing i know im dangeling from a telephone wire. then a freak comes up and started hammering my fingers. i decided not to let go, then a refrigerator drops on me and i die.



the third guy says, Picture me nude in a refrigerator. Enough said.

A: To help the patient find the other side.

This Flight instruction and her student were hold on the runway, awaiting clearance for take off from the tower, when suddenly, a deer darts out of the nearby wood, and stops right in the middle of the runway.

The student asks the instructor, what should he do? The Instruction replies, What do you think you should?

Maybe I should taxi toward the deer?

The instructor replies Thats a good idea!

Tower: Cessna 100 clear for take-off (taxis toward the deer, but the deer just stands there, holding postion)

The student repeats his question, and gets reply this time suggestion he contact the tower: Tower, Cessna 100. There a deer here on the runway!

Tower: Roger 100, hold postion, Deer on Runway 50, cleared for immediate takeoff.

Two seconds later then deer takes off (back toward the woods).

Tower: Cessna 100 cleared for take-off runway 50, caution wake tuburlece, departing deer!

one day george bush is walking in the mountains and


he sees an old man that looks like moses.so bush calls out hey there are you moses?.moses doesnt answer.so bush calls out again and again moses does


not answer.so bush sends his bodyguard over to ask moses the same question.so the guard saysum excuse


me but my boss would like to know,are you moses?


and moses sayslisten im not talking to him cos the last time i spoke to a bush i was wandering in the desert for 40 years

There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him.
Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you?
Well, the nurses around here wont let me fart!"