Old and New Jokes

This guys in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, Ballroom please. A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, Im sorry, I didnt realize I was crowding you.

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:



If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?



Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.



With his teams software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies Id nibbled, the eggnog Id taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.



When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).



Id remember the marvelous meals Id prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,



The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way Id never said, No thank you, please.



As I dressed myself in my husbands old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—



I said to myself, as I only can

You cant spend a winter disguised as a man!



So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip



Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.



I wont have a cookie–not even a lick.

Ill want only to chew on a long celery stick.



I wont have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

Ill munch on a carrot and quietly cry.



Im hungry, Im lonesome, and life is a bore—

But isnt that what January is for?



Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Have you driven a Ford lately?

Yeh, thats why I drive a Chevy!

The top 10 things men know about women are:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

(I think you get it where were going with this.)

6.

7.

(Hey Guys…check out #8…a new one!)

8.

9.

10.

Five. Four road guards to the door, and one to pull off the actual robbery.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Im desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? Im halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh….I could be eating a slow learner.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Why is it that when we talk to God were said to be praying, but when God talks to us were schizophrenic?

When you look at Prince Charles, dont you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

How do you confuse the heck out of Helen Keller?

You glue doorknobs to the walls.

These are headlines for various newspapers in 97 (we will protect the guilty by not mentioning from whence they came):

• Include your children when baking cookies.
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
• Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers.
• Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
• Iraqi head seeks arms.
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
• Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.
• British left waffles on Falklands Islands.
• Teacher strikes idle kids.
• Clinton wins on budget, but more lies ahead.
• Plane too close to the ground, crash probe told.
• Miners refuse to work after death.
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
• Stolen painting found by tree.
• Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.
• War dims hope for peace.
• If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while.
• Cold wave linked to temperatures.
• Enfields couple slain; police suspect homicide.
• Red tape holds up new bridges.
• Typhoon rips through cemetery, hundreds dead.
• Man struck by lightning faces battery charges.
• New study of obesity looks for larger test group.
• Kids make nutritious snacks.
• Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy.
• Local high school dropouts cut in half.
• New vaccine may contain rabies.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, What are you charged with?

Doing my Christmas shopping early sir, replied the defendant.

Well thats not an crime, said the judge! How early were you doing this shopping?

Before the store opened, answered the prisoner.