A female student shows up during a young professors office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading…
I would do anything to pass the exam.
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers I mean…, I would do…. anything!!!.
He returns her gaze. Anything???
Oh yes she said, anything!
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said Would you….. Study?
11
Dec
11
Dec
Q. – How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?
A. – Put velcro on the ceiling.
11
Dec
SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA
I Think Ill Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and …
PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill tell you why.
DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock …
… (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
[Thanks to Mary Campbell]
11
Dec
Little Johnny was in church with him mom forSunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous."Mom, I think Im going to throw up!"She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face."Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?""I didnt have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.
11
Dec
A fellow was ordered by his Dr. to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it,he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
Guaranteed like hell he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes,and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weightloss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me! Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, I like the way this company does business! The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program. As expected, the next day theres a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her that reads, If you catch me, you can have me. Hes out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does,it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best hes ever had. For the next 4 days, the same routine happens and much to his delight,on the 5th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20lbs as promised!!!!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50lb.program!! Are you sure? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous programme…
Absolutely, he replies. I havent felt this good in years!
The next day theres a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads: If I catch you, I can have you!
11
Dec
Quoted from Unix World, November, 1989:
The grim reality is that every life ends with a death. Funeral homes
exist to make that fact a little more tolerable. … UNIX can help
here, too. The Gordon Funeral Chapel, for instance, does much of its
accounting on an AT class, multiuser machine running XENIX. …
. .. For example, Gordon says his system has to be able to classify two
kinds of customer, at-need, those who are actually deceased, and
pre-need, those who have made arrangements for funerals while still
living. Moreover, the system has to be able to convert one kind of
customer to the other as the need arises…
11
Dec
The young army doctor was stationed at a remote
dispensary in the South Pacific.
One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of
his patients.
He radioed a base hospital:
Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?
A prankster got hold of the message.
This was the reply:
Give it to the Marines. Theyll drink anything.
10
Dec
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
10
Dec
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.
The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know its time to go home.
10
Dec
Estados Unidos y Colombia querÃan demostrar cuál de los dos paÃses era más fuerte y decidieron hacer una pelea entre perros para averiguarlo.
Estados Unidos lleva un perro Rottwailer muy musculoso y Colombia se presenta a la competencia con un perro Salchicha.
Cuando comienza la pelea, el Rottwailer es rápidamente derrotado por el Salchicha colombiano. Entonces uno de los gringos exclama:
Oh no, no puedo creer esto ¿Con toda la plata que le metimos a este perro en el entrenamiento y todo?
Y el colombiano le contesta:
¿Y usted cuánta plata cree que le metimos en cirugÃas plásticas a ese cocodrilo?