Old and New Jokes

A teacher in a rural area, attempting to broaden the outlook of her narrow-horizoned class, asked each student to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for hard-bitten young Billy, whose essay, in full, was All foreigners are bastards.The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy, and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners.With beating heart, she reached Billys paper. It said in full, All foreigners are bastards. Some are cunning bastards.

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information

System

———————————————————————-

Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115

lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large

quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–

1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common

ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to

reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES: ————

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: ———————–

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.

2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS: ———

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.

3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

Sign on fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Sign in a car dealership office: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.

Sign over a cannibals hut: I never met a man I didnt like.

Sign in a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.

Sign at a hotel. Help! We need inn-experienced people.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.

Un Argentino se encuentra con otro, que es su conocido, entonces le pregunta:

Che, ¿tenés un encededor?

Esperate busco, responde el otro y empieza a buscar en los bolsillos del pantalon, en el de la camisa, los bosillos del saco y sigue tocándose mientras le contesta al otro:

Mmm che, parece que no tengo encendedor… ¡pero que bueno estoy!

It was a fine summer evening at the local pub in Dublin. The bar was about half full. In one corner two fellows sat drinking pints. One fellow asks the other Now where are ya from, me lad?

The second fellow replies County Cork.

The first fellow is amazed Why thats were I hail from too! What may be your family name, then?

The second chap says It be none other than OBrien

Why that is my clan, too. What a small world. And to what school did you go?

I went to St. Brigits.

My God, So did I!! exclaimed the first fellow loudly.

So then, in what fine year did you graduate?

1954

Incredible, so did I!…

The local bobby (are they called that in Ireland?) stopped in around then to say hello to the bartender. Every thing OK, Michael?

Yes, the bartender replied, things are pretty normal – the OBrien twins are shit-faced again!

Santa noticed a banana peel on the street.

He mutters to himself: Saddi to kismat hi kharab hai. Aaj phir girna padega!

Feggala Rothstein from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920s.

Upon trying to checking into a nice hotel, the concierge told her, Sorry, theres no vacancy.

Just then, a man checked out. Feggala then exclaimed, Good, now you have a room.

Sorry, the man behind the counter replied, this hotel is restricted.

And what does that mean? she asked him.

Jews arent allowed here!

Well what makes you think Im Jewish? she shot back.

I know you are!

Well, Im not! Im a Catholic! she insisted.

So tell me, the man replied, Did G-d have a son?

Sure.

What was his name?

Jesus.

And where was he born?

In Bethlehem, in a stable.

And WHY was he born there?

Because a schmuck like you wouldnt rent his parents a room!

Minnesota Slogans

I came, I thawed, I transferred….
Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
Minnesota – where visitors turn blue with envy.
Save a Minnesotan – eat a mosquito.
One day its warm, the rest of the year its cold.
Minnesota – home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
Minnesota – mosquito supplier to the free world.
Minnesota – come fall in love with a loon.
Land of many cultures – mostly throat.
Where the elite meet sleet.
Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS
Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
Minnesota – glove it or leave it.
Minnesota – have you jump started your kid today?
There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota:
Colder, Older, & Fatter.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
WARNING: You are entering Minnesota,
Please use an alternate route!
Minnesota: theater of sneezes.
Jack Frost must like Minnesota –
he spends half his life there.
Land of 10,000 Petersons.
Land of the ski and home of the crazed.
Minnesota – home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp
(Where the damn river starts!)
10,000 lakes and no sharks!
In Minnesota ducks dont fly, people do!

Jeff Janke
AT&T Bell Laboratories