Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldnt resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldnt climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife……
Honey, do you notice anything different about me???
She took one look at him, and said Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face.
Posted in Tasteless |
Un hombre de negocios hace transbordo de avión y tiene la suerte de sentarse al lado de una mujer extremadamente atractiva. Se saludan y el tipo se da cuenta de que ella está leyendo un libro sobre estadÃsticas sexuales. Para iniciar la plática, él le pregunta sobre el libro y la chica le responde:
Es un libro muy interesante sobre estadÃsticas sexuales. Por ejemplo, aquà dice que los nativos americanos son los que tienen el pene más largo, y que son los polacos los que lo tienen de mayor diámetro. Por cierto, me llamo Diana, ¿cómo se llama usted?
Nube Blanca Kawalski, encantado de conocerla, le responde de inmediato el individuo.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
Está Jaimito en clase y su profesora se da cuenta que tiene un ojo morado. Preocupada por si acaso está siendo objeto de malos tratos decide hablar con él.
Jaimito, ¿qué te ha pasado en el ojo?
Pero Jaimito evita contestar. La profesora insiste pero Jaimito no contesta. Después de mucho insistir, Jaimito decide contárselo a la profesora.
Verá, señorita, pasaba yo por delante del cuarto de mis padres y oà a mi madre decir: ¡Pepe, que me voy, que me voy, que me voy! Y mi padre respondió: ¡MarÃa, yo también me voy, yo tambien me voy! Y nada, yo entré a despedirme.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
Her nickname is DAMN
she eats Wheat Thicks.
people jog around her for exercise.
she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
when she sits in the classroom, she sits beside everybody.
she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world.
she put on a red tee shirt and all the little kids said Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid.
they wrote a book about her, It was called Moby Dick.
she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says okay!
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said Taxi!
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
she got to iron her pants on the driveway
she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn
when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
when she steps on a scale, it read one at a time, please
she fell in love and broke it.
when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
when she gets on the scale it says we dont do livestock.
her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
shes got her own area code!
she looks like shes smuggling a Volkswagen!
God couldnt light Earth till she moved!
NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
shes got Amtrak written on her leg.
even Bill Gates couldnt pay for her liposuction!
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitchs good side!
she wakes up in sections!
when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washingtons nose.
when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
she got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
shes on both sides of the family!
everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
even her clothes have stretch marks!
she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like shes wearin tights!
she got hit by a parked car!
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
she has a run in her blue-jeans!
they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
she has to buy two airline tickets.
she influences the tides.
that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
the animals at the zoo feed her.
she was baptized at Marine World.
when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
she stands in two time zones.
sets off car alarms when she runs.
she cant reach her back pocket.
when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
when she got hit by a bus, she said, Who threw that rock?
when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
we went to the drive-in and didnt have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
she was Miss Arizona — class Battleship
she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
to her light food means under 4 Tons
The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!
she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get off!
she was zoned for commercial development
she won Miss Bessie the Cow 94
she has her own brand of jeans: FA – FatAss Jeans
Yo mama so fat . . . shes fat!
God cant lift her spirits!
she played Free Willys stunt double.
when she falls in the Grand Canyon, she gets stuck.
I saw her on top of the Empire State building snatching at airplanes.
she got an actual size tattoo of the projects on her butt.
that when she drives on the interstate, she has to stop at the weigh station.
when she jumps off the high dive she shows up on radar.
uses a freeway for a slip and slide.
her belt size is equator.
that people wish to buy food 100% Yo Mama Free
they wont allow her on most bridges.
Posted in Yo Mama |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cronkite!
Cronkite who?
Cronkite evidence!
Posted in Knock-knock |
Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
Posted in Business |
A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter asked him if he wanted his pizza in 4 slices or 8.
"Better make it four, cause I really cant finish 8 slices."
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Whyd the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how!
Posted in Animal |
what did your momma say when she saw a bus?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A Cyberspace friend of mine here in Istanbul who teaches computer science to junior high-school students related the following (real) occurrence in one of his classes.
It was the early days of the school year and he was describing the machines (PCs) to the kids in general terms. As he was explaining keyboard functions he pointed out that if the computer ever got locked up (he demonstrated a lock-up) you could regain control of the machine by pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL simultaneously (demonstrating that, too).
Some of the kids objected that their hands were too small and that they werent quick enough to hit all three keys at once.
As the teacher began explaining and demonstrating that all you needed to do was hold down CTRL+ALT with one hand and press DEL with the other, his eye happened on a boy in the front row: He had the index finger of his left hand on the left CTRL key, the index figure of his right hand on the right ALT key and after searching for the DEL key for about five or ten seconds, he paused for a moment as if thinking what to do next and then calmly pressed it with his nose…
Posted in General / Unsorted |