A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked THE BOOK and didnt find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldnt find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.
About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.
Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? God queried.
Hell yes, I remember! Said the devil.
Well, Saint Peter missed that mans name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If theyre on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS. God exclaimed!
Ill be damned if your going to get that engineer back. Hes put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS! said the devil.
Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you dont send that engineer back right away I believe Ill have to sue you!!! shouted God!!
And just where do you think youll get an attorney? replied the devil!!!!!
The Top 5 Men in a Womans life are:
1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks where do you want it, front or back?
A Decorator says how do you like it now that it’s up?
A Bank manager says don’t take it out you’ll lose interest!
The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, Ive sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.
The professor said Ill bet you cant. Just to prove it, well trade clothes in the hotel, and Ill sit in the back.
The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the drivers presentation.
The driver said, I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. Throw out more! shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. More! he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road whos crying. They ask him why hes crying and he says A pistol hit me on the head!
They drive more and meet another boy whos crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, A rifle hit me on the head!
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk whos laughing hysterically. They ask him, Kid, whats so funny? The boy replies, I sneezed and a house blew up!
What do get when you cross a Black with a Sioux Indian?
A boy named Sue.
The other night during dinner my brother told a joke and I laughed so
hard that milk shot out my nose. The creepy part is that I wasnt
drinking milk.
– Dave George
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
There was a Scotsman and was horny as hell and he saw this dog next to a lake, so he tries to screw it, but it squirms and moves. During all of this, he sees something in the water and goes to check it out, and it turns out to be a hot British blonde who is drowning. He saves her, and after she regains consciousness, she says, Thank you for saving me. Ill do anything for you, anything… (rubbing her butt naked chest) And I mean ANYTHING!
The Scotsman thinks for a minute, and replies, Ok. Can ya hold this dog still for a minute so I can screw it?
jokes
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, Jump! Jump! Its your only chance to survive!
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away…the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
Cmon! Jump! You gotta jump! say the firemen to the Redhead.
Oh no! Youre gonna pull the blanket away! says the Redhead.
No! Its Brunettes we cant stand! Were OK with Redheads!
OK says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell Jump! You have to jump!
No way! Youre just gonna pull the blanket away! yelled the Blonde.
No! Really! You have to jump! We wont pull the blanket away!
Look, the Blonde says, nothing you say is gonna convince me that youre not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.”
What are the two things a cat is good for?
Altitude and distance!