Old and New Jokes

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
– Herm Albright –

Desde su escondite en las montañas de Afganistán, Osama bin Laden llama a Bush en la Casa Blanca y le dice:

Bush, tengo una buena noticia y otra mala.

Primero la buena, sugiere Bush.

La buena es que me entregaré…

¿Y la mala?

¡La mala es que iré en avión!

Im Glad Im A Woman

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***



17. I finished the Oreos.

16. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

15. Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!

14. I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!

13. Well, couldnt they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

12. Darned if you aint about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.

11. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.

10. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

9. Im jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?

8. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

7. Get your *own* ice cream.

6. Geez, youre awfully puffy looking today.

5. Got milk ?

4. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.

3. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

2. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…



And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:



1. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Clarence!
Clarence who?
Clarence sale!

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. Ive been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Wont you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Wont you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

One beautiful morning an atheist was walking through the forest,
admiring natures beauties. He looked up and saw the trees swaying in
the wind high above him, and he smiled. He saw the river glittering in
the sun, and it made him warm inside. He thought to himself that
mother nature had made a truly wonderful world.

The atheist walked a little farther down the path he had taken when
suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of
him. The bear looked hungry, it started growling and running towards
him.

Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and
started running as fast as he could away from the bear. Knowing that
the bear would catch him and he had no chance, the atheist soon ran
out of breath and finally fell to the ground.

As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws came down upon
his chest, the atheist screamed, Oh help me god!

Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying. The river
he loved suddenly stopped flowing. And the sky opened up and a voice
begun to speak, I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, I
am here for every being on this Earth.

The atheist felt relieved a little bit and asked God, Im sort of in
this situation, Im only asking if you could help me get out of it.

God thought for a moment and said, I will give you one wish to help
you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish.

The atheist thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to
God, Well, I dont really want to become a christian, so I wish the
bear to become a christian.

God spoke, So be it done.

Suddenly the sky closed up. The river turned back into its flowing
glory. The trees began to sway again.

And the bear clapped his paws together and said, Thank you, God, for
this meal Im about to receive.

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harolds violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, For pitys sake, cant you play something the dog doesnt know?