Old and New Jokes

Your mamma is so fat, when daddy told her to haul ass she had to make two trips!

Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?

A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people
who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were
only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old
do you think someone should be before they can fax?

A: Faxing can be
performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax.
Is this legal?

A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and
must pay a professional when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?

A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should
be used to insure safe fax.

–
At a convention of blones, a speaker insisted that "dumb
blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked
one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus
20?"

The blonde answered, "120."

"No," he said, "thats not right."

The audience called out, "Give her another chance."

So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10
plus 13?"

Slowly the blonde replied, "16."

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. Once again
the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."

"This is your last try," warned the speaker.
"How much is 2 plus 2?"

Carefully she ventured, "Four?"

And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

While I was attending a law course, the Audiatur et altera pars rule was explained to us.

Translated it means, Also the other party has to be heard. After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone did NOT understand the rule.

From the auditorium a man shouted, My wife!

According to a recent survey, approximately 35 per cent of all American men think sex is the best way to end an argument.

Let me tell you something, says Jay Leno. This could revolutionize the game of hockey.

– The Tonight Show, NBC

• Ghost Poopie
  The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but theres no poopie in the toilet.
• Clean Poopie
  The kind where you seen the poopie come out, but theres nothing on the toilet paper.
• The Wet Poopie
  The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times, and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you wont ruin it with a stain.
• The Second Wave Poopie
  It happens when youre done poopying, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
• Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie
  The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
• Richard Simmons Poopie
  You poopie so much that you lose 30 pounds.
• The Lincoln Log Poopie
  The kind of poopie that is sooo huge, youre afraid to flush, so you break it up into small pieces with the toilet brush.
• The Gasey Poopie
  It is so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
• The Drunker Poopie
  The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking, its most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.
• The Corn Poopie
  Self-explanatory.
• The Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
  The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramp, and fart a few times.
• Spinal Tap Poopie
  That when it hurts so bad, you swear it is leaving you sideways.
• The Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
  The kind where its coming out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
• The Liquid Poopie
  The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
• The Mexican Food Poopie
  It smells sooo bad that the room needs to be condemned!!!
• The Surprise Poopie
  A fart with a lump in it.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldnt move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……..

Not very freakin strong tonight, are you Batman!

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Lets see: 2 A+s, 3 As, 5 A-s, 11 B+s, 9 Bs, 21 B-s…

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washingtons picture is on a quarter]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help groups?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didnt have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you cant drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it chili if its hot?

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.