Now I lay me down to sleep. Please dont send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band.
One good man whos sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesnt lie. Who dresses neat and doesnt smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, thats okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake, That would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, dont let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right I wont go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, Hed probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad I know its just a passing fad. I wont be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, wont comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.
The corner shop baker was a true artist when it came to making birthday cakes. One customer asked him can you make a birthday cake for my wife, shes an optician? He agreed and produced a birthday cake in the perfect detail of a winking eye.
His next customer said can you make a birthday cake for my husband, hes a dentist. He agreed and produced a cake in the shape of an open mouth, including the teeth and tongue.
At that moment another customer began to leave his shop, when the baker asked can I help you? The lady turned and saidno, I dont think so,its my husband birthday today, but hes a gynaecologist.
Theres this cathedral thats still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a cage elevator inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these cage elevators is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be called to another floor.
One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:
Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!
Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
Male cant possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are
not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did
not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the
cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he
did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without
the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the
female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See
rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
Female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined,
at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems
appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the
females being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading
reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
Male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry
or upset.
No circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether
or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
Male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do
so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of
the female.
Female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident
without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish,
of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or
has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or
oafish.
Female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the
ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect,
devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic
pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats,
aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
The female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
Act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or
belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the
female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations,
defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained.
Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
A: Anti-hiss-tamines
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and heres how…
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesnt know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesnt go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesnt go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldnt pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One day poor old Lena decided she didnt want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart…but she didnt know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.
The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.
Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.
I should be dead! she wailed.
Dont worry, lady, the orderly answered, your knee will mend before you know it!
(sing to the tune of Gilligans Island)
Just sit right back and youll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date
RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
Four digits are extravagant,
So lets get by with two.
So lets get by with two.
This works through 1999,
The programmers did say.
Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.
But management had not a clue;
It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We wont do it just yet.
We wont do it just yet.
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail wont bring your pension check;
It wont be sent to you
When youre no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems were about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of codes
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
[[ key change, the big finish coming]]
Theres not much time, theres too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? The pirate replies, We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.
Wow! said the seaman. What about your hook? Well, replied the pirate, We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.
Incredible! remarked the seaman. How did you get the eye patch? A seagull dropping fell into my eye, replied the pirate.
You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?, the sailor asked incredulously. Well, said the pirate, it was my first day with my hook
Why dont they teach drivers education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?
– They dont want to wear out the camel.