Old and New Jokes

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.

14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes.

9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile.

8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the Slim Jim: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, Hey, its Vomit Man!

4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants.

3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

1 – Youre now sober enough to realize Drink Canada Dry is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

There was a university in New England where the students operated a bank of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.

A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the bank and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicious C, retyped it and handed the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professors comments I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!

Why did God give deers eyes? I have no eye-deer!

(I hope youve all been following the latest European agricultural problems.)

So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on
the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks.

[The following, possibly apocryphal story appeared in this mornings
(28/03/91) Glasgow Herald.]

Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function,
asked: Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?

Certainly not, was the reply. First, you are drunk. Second, it
is not a waltz, but the Venezualan national anthem; and third, I am
not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio.

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasnt.

He said God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female.

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincolns secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedys secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

And heres the kicker,

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

What do you call a blond with two brain cells? Pregnant!

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him.

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay.

Un físico, un químico y un informático van en coche por la carretera. De repente, el auto comienza a hacer un ruido extraño. Detienen el coche, y dejando el motor en marcha, empiezan a elaborar hipótesis sobre lo que está sucediendo. El físico dice:

Evidentemente, es un problema de rozamiento entre los pistones lo que provoca el ruido. Este coche necesita cuanto antes un ajuste de motor.

El químico replica:

No estoy tan seguro. Creo que el ruido se debe a que la gasolina está mal mezclada. Deberíamos agregar un aditivo especial al tanque de combustible.

El informático opina:

Yo diría que mejor lo apagamos, lo encendemos, lo apagamos, lo encendemos, lo apagamos, lo encendemos…