Old and New Jokes

Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didnt study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Theyre multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. — Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees. — Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Im not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. — Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

Its like deja vu all over again. — Yogi Berra

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese — Former French President Charles De Gaulle

The loss of life will be irreplaceable. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and Im just the one to do it. — A congressional candidate in Texas

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. — Richard M. Nixon

The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. — Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. — Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. — Everett Dirksen

A verbal contract isnt worth the paper its written on. — Samuel Goldwyn

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

I dont feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. — John Wayne

Half this game is ninety percent mental. — Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. — General William Westmoreland

What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line a mind is a terrible thing to waste

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. — Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. What the hell is this? he asks the pastor. Why, its a toilet brush. Ooh, I see, says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working. Well, its okay, but I think Ill go back to using paper.

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the
state of Missouri.

Music Education

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means dont do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on
the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick
with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both
found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the
first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is
elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin
real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line
of flute music. You just watch.

I cant reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is its too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be
the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow
or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom
play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant
sound once the animal is removed.

Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon

(the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,

has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene

pool.

And now, for this years illustrious winner(s):.. drum roll… John

Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,

decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge,

Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the

parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy

enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.

The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan

was for John–100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his

friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on

the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself

crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch

which snagged

him by his shorts.

Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a

group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John

removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free

himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly

bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without

his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly

branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket

knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left

thigh.

Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him

a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he

decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup

truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state,

Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed

through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from

the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene.

Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from

the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous

scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of

shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

My friend claims (yes, I know about urban myths) that
when he was working late at the office of his familys
business, he heard what sounded like a break-in in the
warehouse. He called 911 (general emergency number)
and got no answer. Immediately he called the local
Dunkin Donuts shop, asked to speak to a police officer,
and got one over right away.

It says: Press Any Key

It means: Press any key you like but Im not moving.

It says: Press A Key

(This ones a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the A key.)

It says: Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E

It means: … where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that its a hardware problem.

It says: Installing program to C:/(Directory) …

It means: … And Ill also be writing a few files into c:/windows and c:/windows/system where youll NEVER find them.

It says: Please insert disk 11

It means: Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.

It says: Cannot read from drive D: …

It means: … However, if you put the CD in right side up …

It says: Please Wait …

It means: … Indefinitely.

It says: Directory does not exist …

It means: … any more. Whoops.

It says: The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.

It means: … Makes no difference to me, youre still not getting your work back.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a cars hood.

male: The strap fastener on a womans bra.

Lesbian (lez-bee-an) n.

female: A woman who makes love to other women.

male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another.

male: Playing baseball without a cup.

Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 25 channels every 2
minutes.

Communication (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones
partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the guys.

Bum (bum) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes look bigger.

male: The organ for mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with ones
girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Sex

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and
male bonding.

Making Love (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: What women do while the man is screwing her.

Four people are in an airplane: the president, the smartest man in the world, an old man and a young girl. The plane catches on fire and there are only three parachutes. The president gets one and says, “My country needs me!” and jumps.
The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, “Well, the world needs me, since Im so smart,” and jumps. One parachute left and the old man says, “You take it, my life is almost over anyway.” The little girl says, “No. We both can jump.” Confused, the man asks, “How?” The little girl says, “The smartest man in the world took my backpack.”

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.