There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.
He gets to the end of the bar and asks, excuse me sir, I couldnt help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong replies, well yes I am how may I help you? The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. I am a journalist replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies Oh, Okay. The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind, but what I really said was once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline.
Who the hell is Matt Kline? replied the man.
Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didnt make the cut, said Armstrong.
Okay replied the man.
Well one day I was the best man at Matts wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matts wife say, the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of usmay find it rather humorous. Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operateor should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Knock-knock
whos there?
interupting cow.
interupting cow (moooo) who?
Why arent there any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They dont work in the future either.
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
Ram – The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
I consider Wal-Mart to be Gods gift to shoppers. Here are the similarities I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.
Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors
Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
Heaven: motto – EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: motto – EDLP = Every day low prices
Heaven: Sam Walton — now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sams choice cola — now on sale!
Manolo se fue a trabajar a la gran ciudad y a los tres años regresa a su pueblo. Después de los respectivos saludos con parientes y amigos se queda solo con su esposa y le pregunta al ver un niño de meses:
Oye mujer, ¿de quién es ese niño?
Pues de quien va ser, !es tuyo!
Pero cómo que mÃo, malnacida, si hace tres años que me fui de aquà a trabajar a la ciudad.
Te digo que es tuyo.
Asà estaban alegando, cuando de pronto llega el compadre.
Hola compadre, escuché todo. Y sÃ, el niño es suyo.
¿Pero cómo puede ser?
Mire, le voy a dar un ejemplo: si usted tiene una vaca y se le sale del corral y se brinca a la finca de Don Simón y allà la agarra un toro y la embaraza y después nace un becerrito ¿de quien es el becerrito?
¡Pues mÃo, compadre!
Efectivamente, es suyo. Entonces de quién es el niño de su vieja? ¡Pues es suyo, compadre!
Pues sÃ, ¿verdad? ¡Qué burro soy!
There was this Hawaiian and fillipino man that wanted to learn how to hunt. So they met this indian man, the indian man took them to a forest and pitched a camp.
The next day they woke up the indian man came back with a huge bear over his shoulder. So the hawaiian and fillipino told the indian man how did you catch that bear the indian said when you go into the forest you look for the track and keep following it and there you will find what you are hunting for, so the hawaiian said my turn to go.
When he went into the forest he came back after two hours with a huge boar. so the fillipino man ask the Hawiian how you caught that Boar he said I did what the Indian said. So the next morning the fillipino got up and said it s my turn so he went and he saw the biggest track ever so he followed it , after two hours the fillipino never came back then all of a sudden they here the fillopino coming through the bushes all cut up brusded up they asked him what happend he said I did what you guys said I when follow the track and follow the track and the fricken train when bang me.