Old and New Jokes

Seeking a raise I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

*I do physical labour
*I work at great depths
*I work head first
*I do not get RDOs, weekends off or public holidays
*I work in a damp environment
*I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
*I work in high temperatures
*My work exposes me to contagious diseases Response from People & Quality: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
*You do not work 8 hours straight
*You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
*You do not always follow the order of the management team
*You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
*You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
*You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
*You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
*You dont always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
*You dont wait till pension age before retiring
*You dont like working double shifts
*You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the days work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

a Bjorn-again Christian.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
John!
John who?
John with the Wind!

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, Id like to buy those two ladies a drink.

The bartender replies, It wont do you any good.

The man, with a confused look on his face says, It doesnt matter, I want to buy those women a drink.

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads.

About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, Id like to buy you two another drink.

The women both reply, It wont do you any good.

The man says, I dont understand. What do you mean it wont do me any good?

The first lady says, Were lesbians.

The man replies, Lesbians? What are lesbians?

The second woman replies, Lesbians… We like to lick pussys.

The man says, Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.

Dejan al capataz encargado de la finca y al regreso el patrón le pregunta que ha pasado en la durante el tiempo que estuvo fuera. El capataz le dice que lo único es que el gato se murió.

¿Pero de qué se murió el gato?

De indigestión.

¿Por qué de indigestión?

Pues como el caballo de 5 millones se murió, cómo ibamos a desperdiciar la carne…

¿Cómo que se murió el caballo, cómo ocurrió?

Pues por el esfuerzo que hizo, patrón.

¿Esfuerzo de qué?

Pues cargando el agua.

¿Agua para qué?

Pues para apagar el incendio patroncito.

¿Cuál incendio?

El que se produjo por las velas.

¿Cuáles velas?

Las del velorio de su mamá.

¿Cómo? ¿Que se murió mi mamá?

El patrón coge al capataz a patadas y puñetazos y le da una paliza tremenda. Al final, el capataz le dice al patrón:

Si hubiera sabido que se iba a poner así, mejor no le hubiera contado lo del gato, patroncito…

Dos borrachos que no tenían un duro y estaban locos por tomarse un trago conversan:

Oye Pepe, tengo unas ganas de tomarme un trago!!!

Yo también, Manolo, pero no tenemos un duro.

Bueno Pepe, yo tengo una idea. Fíjate bien, compramos una salchicha grande y nos vamos a un bar. Empezamos a tomar y cuando el bartender nos venga a cobrar yo me meto la salchicha por el pamtalón y me la saco por la portañuela y tu empiezas a mamar como si fuera una polla. De seguro que nos botan del bar por inmorales y no pagamos, ¿qué te parece?

Fantástico, Manolo, vamos a hacerlo!

Sí Pepe, pero yo empiezo con la salchicha, yo fui el de la idea.

Bien Manolo, lo que tu digas.

Se fueron a un bar y toma que toma hasta que estuvieron medio borrachos. Cuando vieron que el bartender les venía a cobrar, Manolo se sacó la salchicha por la portañuela y Pepe se agachó a mamar. El bartender exclamó: ¡Inmorales, maricones, fuera, fuera de mi bar! y salieron riendo a la calle y sin pagar.

Asi estuvieron toda la noche de bar en bar tomando de gratis usando el truco de la salchicha.

Cuando estaban en el bar numero siete y preparados para hacer el truco otra vez Pepe le dice a Manolo:

Oye Manolo, ya estoy cansado de ser yo siempre quien coja la salchicha para mamar, ahora en este bar pásame la salchicha a mi y ponte tu a mamar.

Y Manolo le responde:

¿Qué salchicha Pepe?, ¡la salchicha se me quedó en el primer bar!

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read. — Computer Museum (Boston)



Usenet isnt a right. Its a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the jaw. — Computer Museum (Boston)



If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about … five minutes. — Anon.



Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and the Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare! — Blair Houghton



The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a workstation, the unit sales makes it a mainframe. — Anon.



What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator. — Anon.



Whos General Failure and whys he reading my disk? — Anon.



If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. — Robert X Cringely



A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. — Mitch Ratliffe



The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. Thats where we come in; were computer professionals. We cause accidents. — Nathaniel Borenstein



Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. — Anon.



Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_| — Anon.



If you cant beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing. — Anon.



Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium. — Anon.



Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. — Anon.



Never trust a computer you cant throw out a window. — Steve Wozniak



All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. — Anon.



Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window. — Anon.



The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, theres no law against whacking them around a little. — Porterfield



Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. — Jeff Pesis



The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec. — Marcus Dolengo



If a trainstation is where the train stops, whats a workstation…? — Anon.



The robot is going to lose. Not by much. But when the final score is tallied, flesh and blood is going to beat the damn monster. — Adam Smith



The computer is a moron. — Peter Drucker



I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them. — Isaac Asimov



Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debuging Mondays code. — Dan Salomon



Its easy to cry bug when the truth is that youve got a complex system and sometimes it takes a while to get all the components to co-exist peacefully. — Doug Vargas



As soon as we started programming

Q: Who has the right of way any time?

A: The car with a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads "Guns dont kill people, I do."

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90% — wedding cake!

Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?

A: Because it says right on it good for up to 20 pounds.