Old and New Jokes

(Forwarded by a mate in the UK)

A mother had three daughters. She asked all three of them to make sure they wrote home after their weddings and tell her about married life.

The first daughter wrote back on the second day after her marriage. The letter arrived with a single message, Maxwell House Coffee.

Mother was confused but finally noticed an advertisement for Maxwell House Coffee. The advertisement said Satisfaction to the Last Drop. So, Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message simply read Rothmans.

So the Mother looked for an advertisement for Rothmans. She found one, and it read KING SIZE. Mother was happy.

Then it was the third daughters wedding. Mother was anxious because this time it took four weeks for a message to arrive. When it did the message was simply British Airways.

Mother was concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers looking for an advertisement for British Airways. Finally, she found one and immediately fainted.

The advertisement said: Two times a day, seven days a week, both ways.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haitis military?
A: John Elway.

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up.

The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, I have some bad news, you only have about two weeks left to live.

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?

The doctor thinks for a moment. There is one thing that you could do.

Just name it, Ill do whatever it is. He tells the man to take a lot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, Will that help my condition?

The doctor says, No, but it will get you used to the dirt!

After years of his wifes pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preachers sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!



The Preacher replied, Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, Id appreciate it if you didnt use profanity in the Lords house.



The man said, Im sorry Reverend, but I cant help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!



The Reverend said, Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!



The man said, Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate.



The Reverend looks stunned, and says, NO SH**?

A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his math.

His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement.



His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not religious.



They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the Catholic school. Immediately the boys math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student.



His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement. Was it better teaching they asked and the boy said No the teachers are about the same. Was it a different text book? Again the boy said No it is the same text book



Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.



The boy said the first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences.



Their parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously.



The boy answered the first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign.

If u put all the executives end to end they still wouldnt reach a decision!!!

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks And get me a whisky you cow! The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrots approach Ive asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or Ill kick you.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who cant fly, you complain too much!

Another Old Link

Two Polaks are walking down opposite sides of a river when they notice each other. One invites the other one over. I cant swim, he replies. Why dont you come over here?

The other guy says, I cant swim, either. What are we gonna do?

First guy says, Wait! I got a flashlight. Ill turn it on, and you walk across the beam to this side.

The second guy replies, No way! Ill get half-way across, and youll turn the flashlight off!

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees
in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
church.

However, the atheists life was good, he had a well-paying job and a
beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious mans job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldnt give him the
time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven
and asked, Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for
every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who
doesnt even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed
with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.
Why is this?

And a great voice was heard from above, Because he doesnt bother me
all the time!