Old and New Jokes

A Jew & a Chinaman (sigh…) are traveling on a train together. After a while,
the Jew stands up, and gives the Chinaman a tremendous slap.

What are you doing? says the stricken Chinese.

Thats for Pearl-Harbour says the Jew.

But I am Chinese! The Japanese were responsible for that! says the Chinese.

Japanese, Chinese–all the same.

They resume their seats. A while passes.

Then the Chinese gets up, and kicks mightily the Jew.

Hey! whats going on?

Thats for the Titanic! says the Chinese.

But the Titanic was hit by an Iceberg!

Iceberg, Weissberg–All the same.

Lately she sits at the computer naked.
After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
Hes gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
She makes sarcastic remarks about your software.
Lipstick on the mouse.
During sex she screams A colon backslash enter insert.
The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.
The fax file is filled with pictures of some guys ass.

Intelligence Test Instructions:Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?Start.1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________3) I went to bed at eight oclock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine oclock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, whats the name of the driver? ____________________Answers in the following article – no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!Answers:1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 oclock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 oclock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
8+: Engineer
7: Student
6: High school pupil
5: Primary school pupil
4: Teacher
3: College lecturer
2: University lecturer
1: Member of Congress

…has spent many days crossing the desert without
water. His horse has already died of thirst.
Hes crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. Theres a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
Well, cowboy, says the genie… You know how I work. You have three wishes.
Im not falling for this. Says the man. Im not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.
What do you have to lose? Youve got no transportation, and it looks like youre a goner anyway!
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
OK, cowpoke, whats your second wish.
My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, theres going to be a string attached.

Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet? A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.

La hija, que vivía en los Estados Unidos, mensualmente le consignaba a su padre la suma de US$2.000 para su sustento en Colombia. Cuando en una ocasión la hija viajó a visitar a su padre, al pesarle el remordimiento, decide informarle a su padre que era prostituta y que el dinero que le enviaba era parte de sus ganancias. El padre, después de regañarla, decide echarla de su casa.

Pasaron un par de meses y el padre no volvió a recibir la mesada; entonces, decide llamar a la muchacha:

Hija, cuando Ud. vino a visitarme qué fue lo que me dijo. Es que estoy perdiendo la memoria; además, estoy casi sordo, ¿qué fue lo que me dijo?

Papá, yo le dije que me había vuelto prostituta.

Ah, eso, mija, perdóneme, ¡yo pensé que me había dicho que se volvió protestante!

Farmer: Ive got a bull thats right off it duties. Its got to service



300 cows and all it wants to do is eat.



Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed and stand back.







So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet:







Farmer: WOW, what a pill! I gave the pill to the bull like you said and



POW! It jumped over the gate, ran down the lane and fucked 70 cows in



30 minutes.



Vet: So, whats the problem – why have you come back?



Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18-year-old tonight –



could you give me one of those tablets? Im not as young as I was.



Vet: Oh, no! Sorry, its too strong but I will give you a quarter of a



pill.







So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for his date.



Several days later, the farmer goes back to the Vet.







Farmer: Hello, Vet. Wonderful. 40 Times.



Vet: So, why have you come back?



Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist – she never showed up!

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, Welcome to heaven, my son. God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease, the doctor replies. Welcome to heaven, my son, God says. God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. Welcome to heaven, my son, says God, but you have to leave in two days.