A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says Heres a pill for English literature. The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
What else do you have? asks the student.
Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, Do you have a pill for math?
The pharmacist says Wait just a moment, and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
I have to take that huge pill for math? inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied Well, you know … math always was a little hard to swallow.
Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman whos wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wifes faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.
Why yes, of course. said the owner, We have a very wide selection.
But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
Well, maybe I have just what you need. remarked the owner, Wait here.
And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.
Wow, that pretty neat. said the man, But whats so special about it?
This is the Voodoo dick. remarked the owner, Watch. Then the owner commanded, Voodoo dick, rise.
All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the mans face. Voodoo dick, door.
The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.
Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, Voodoo dick, box.
The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?
Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.
Well, I must have it. Ill give you $200 for it. demanded the man. No, not for sale. $
500. No, I cannot. $
700. I am sorry. $
1000. Well, ok.
So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say Voodoo dick, cunt and it will do the rest. explained the man.
The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded Voodoo dick, cunt.
With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.
While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.
Why in the hell were you driving so crazy? asked the officer.
Well officer, answered the wife, I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it.
To which the officer responded, Voodoo dick, my ass!
Subject: Government Memo
TO: All Employees
FROM: The Premier
SUBJECT: Early Retirement
As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll – a step which we call right-sizing. It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees throughout the province.
The program to phase out the older personel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Government of Ontario deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, s/he will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel for Early Severence). Since HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.
The Province of Ontario wishes to assure the younger employees who remain that management will continue its policy that employees will continue to be well trained through the SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) Program. This government takes pride in the amount of SHIT our people receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other provincial government in Canada, probably North America, and likely the World. If any employee feels that s/he does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can handle.
Thank You.
What happened to the Jewish man with an erection, who walked into a wall?
He broke his nose!
A blond walks into a Sperm Donor Center and says Mmm mm mmm mmm mm.
The nurse asks her to repeat herself.
Mmm mm mmm mmm mm!
Again, the nurse asks her to repeat herself. The blond spits out what she has in her mouth, I want to make a donation!
The top 10 inventions by Blondes:
1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag
12. Greenpeace wont let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
11. Neighborhood kids offer: Mow your Volvo, sir?
10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
8. Wash Me appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
6. Your cell phone antenna is really a sapling which took root.
5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.
4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.
3. Kids write PLOW ME! on your trunk.
2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.
1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!
A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.
He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears.
So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked Why did you shoot the female? – it was the male that ate my friend
So the Ranger replies Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up.
Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close.
Its always darkest before……………..daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?
Dont bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.
You cant teach an old dog new…………………………math.
If you lie down with the dogs, youll…….stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs.
An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax.
Where theres smoke, theres………………………pollution.
Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.
A penny saved is………………………………….not much.
Twos company, threes……………………….the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
Whats wrong with you? she asked him.
Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? he replied. And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.
Baffled, she said, yes, I remember. So?
Well…I would have gotten out today!