Old and New Jokes

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She

passes a person who asks, Where did you get that?

A: The pig says, I won her in a raffle!

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said White.

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, Excuse me, I dont mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I cant help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?

The woman replied, Im sorry to say, but thats the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him…

Mommy, Mommy, I dont want to go to England!

Shut up, and keep swimming!

Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl?

No, shut up and flush like everyone else!

Mommy, Mommy, why am I going round in circles?

Shut up, or Ill nail your other foot to the floor!

Mommy, Mommy, I hate daddys guts!

Shut up and eat, or you wont get dessert!

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human

being.

Lem: I got fired from my job as a bank guard.
Clem: Thats awful. What happened?

Lem: Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, Id let him have it.

Clem: What did thief do then?

Lem: He took one more step so I let him have it. I didnt want that stupid gun anyhow!

High school/Jr. High

10 PRINT HELLO WORLD
20 END

First year in college

program Hello(input, output);
begin
writeln (Hello world);
end

Senior year in college

(defun hello
(print
(cons HELLO (list WORLD))))

New professional

#include
main (argc,argv)
int argc;
char **argv; {
printf (Hello World!
);
}

Seasoned pro

#include

const int MAXLEN = 80;

class outstring;
class outstring {
private:

int size;
char str[MAXLEN];

public:
outstring() { size=0; }
~outstring() {size=0;}
void print();
void assign(char *chrs);
};
void outstring::print() {
int i;
for (i=0 ; i< size ; i++)
cout . $outfilename) || die Cant write $arg:
$!
;
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die Cant close $arg: $!
;
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker

#include
#define S Hello, World

main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

Guru Hacker

% cat
Hello, world.
^D

New Manager

10 PRINT HELLO WORLD
20 END

Middle Manager

mail -s Hello, world. bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints Hello, world.?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D

Senior Manager

% zmail jim
I need a Hello, world. program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?

Because you can see right through him.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Homer!
Homer who?
Homer-again!

Exceptions always outnumber rules.

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your
keys at once.