Old and New Jokes

Some Boeing employees recently liberated a life raft from one of the
747s on the companys production line. Later, they took it for a float
on the Stilliguamish river. Imagine their surprise when a Coast Guard
helicopter rescued them after homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. Not surprisingly, they no
longer work at Boeing.

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

And the congregation cried, Amen!

And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and throw it in the river.

And the congregation cried, Amen!

And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, Id take it all and throw it in the river.

And the congregation cried, Hallelujah!

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, For our closing song, let us sing hymn 365, Shall we gather at the river.

Q: How do you kill a dumb blonde?

A: Put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of her pool.

Knock Knock Whos there? Luke Luke who? Look through the keyhole and you will find out!

Beauty and der Beast and similar kinds of texts, where English is enriched by German words and morphemes (the elements of words), are obviously funny to native English speakers.

Here is what Germans (provided they know a little English) find funny – do you? The basic rule when writing such a text is to translate morpheme by morpheme, keeping the wordorder.

A readers letter about Munich

THE FREEBODY-CULTURE

Very honored Mr. Chief-Editor,

I have the outeachothersetting in the Southgerman Paper about the English-teaching in Germany followed and I want now my mustard to it give. To make it short, it hangs me to the throat out, and therefore want I say something about your wonderful city. Mainthingly, find I Munich traffic-politically unreached. I sat myself in New York in the greatroom-flystuff, and eight hours later am I in your gemoodly flyport Riem. Then went it in only 15 minutes and the faststreet to the Maryplace, where I with many with-humans the Bellgame on the Guesshouse saw. And then the many buyhouses in the Buyinger Street! I could my dollars not fast enough outgive! In the English Garden I saw me your freebody-culture on. I love German culture. Suchwhat have we in Central Park not. What makes it, when they not English can? I say always: Who it not in the head has, must it in the legs have. And have they on the Ice-brook legs! A city with so many goodoutlooking women would itself not the head thereover break, how they in the upperschool strangelanguages underright. Like your Chancellor Helmut Cabbage would I say: That must we outsit, equal what Francis Joseph Ostrich wants.

Highrespectfully

Frederick (Fritz) Finster

P.S. I stem originally from Germany, and you should write it behind your ears: English is a very heavy language.

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite? a tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, Nope.

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, I thought you said your dog didnt bite!

The old man muttered, Aint my dog.

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you
hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you
wouldnt expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you
mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil
dandruff spirits.
Youre always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting
fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
You laugh out loud during funerals.
When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out RAPE! RAPE!
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they cant understand you through
that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass youve stepped on
as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you dont exist, just to play along with your little
illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Everytime the phone rings, you shout, Hey! An angel just got its wings!
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream Ive got a knife! to people who try to sell you things.
You scream Ive got a knife! to people at your family reunion.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligans Island, because they
werent rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if theyll hatch.
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it,
and you tell him its for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell
him, because the napkins have ears.
You tend to agree with everything your mothers dead uncle tells you.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to
yourself, I think Ill kill the pope today.
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a
few minutes.
Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
Nearly everything you say involves the word, P-toing!
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to
be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend
that youre a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldnt be so bad, once you got used to it.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (Cough.)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation
of your rights as a boysenberry.
You like reading lists like this. 🙂

Whats the national bird of Afghanistan? DUCK!!!

Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?

Wife: No, but hes panting and sweating pretty hard.

Question:
What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?

Answer:
An air mattress.