Old and New Jokes

Because pot holder was already taken.

The following is a verbatim quote of the opening paragraphs of a
(serious) article on the effect that Salman Rushdies book The
Satanic Verses is having on Britains Muslim community. The article
is by Jack OSullivan, and appeared in The Independent, a UK quality
national newspaper, on 5 Jan 1990.

A joke going around Bradford concerns two Muslims chatting in a halal
shop. The first says he has decided to take the Governments advice to
integrate and be like the British. Oh yes, replies his friend. And
how will you do that?

Im going to take my secretary to Paris for a dirty weekend, the
first man says.

But you dont have a secretary, the friend points out.

That doesnt matter, says the first. Ill take my wife and say
shes my secretary.

Q: Why wont they hire a blonde pharmacist?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly.

My darling Becky, he whispered.

Hush, my love, she said. Rest. Shhh, dont talk.

He was insistent. Becky, he said in his tired voice. I… I have
something I must confess to you.

Theres nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky. Everythings all
right, go to sleep.

No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I… I slept with your Sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!

I know, Becky whispered softly. Thats why I poisoned you.

Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No! You mean it was one of ours?!

Notes : Topical to the shooting down of two allied helicopters over Iraq.

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasnt wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadnt had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drooled a bit and finally said Your ears.

What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!

Well, said Bob In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last nights big date. So, howd it go, Harry? asked Gil.
Terrible, admitted Harry. The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started.

Gil tried to comfort him. It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young womans allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isnt she?

Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages.

MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things

4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want

5. Whatcha Doin the Wonderful Phrase

6. 101 Games to Play in the Road

7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher

8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games

10. Arthur Gets Hunted

11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi

12. Monsters Killed Grandpa

13. The hit sequel to Elvis is your real dad Mrs.Clause is your real Mom

14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul

15. All Guns Squirt Water

16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street

17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain

19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish

20. 101 recipies to make with Dog

21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

22. The New Boy is Bad

23. Your Nightmares are real

24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs

25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis

26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender

27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious…..

28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption

29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap

30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower

31. Grampa Gets A Casket

32. Dads New Wife Robert

33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

Whats the difference between a terrorist and a wife?

You can negotiate with the terrorist!

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest to be found.
Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long.
Its very simple, said the Priest. There on the wall is a chart … column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.
The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.
The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a blow job. Thats it, Father.
The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found.
Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?
Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.