An then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a womans pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.
25
Oct
25
Oct
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat? The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast? $7.98.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
25
Oct
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesnt like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didnt like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didnt like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.
25
Oct
You might be a redneck if…
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h–l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
24
Oct
This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar.
He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls All you down there… Youre all a bunch of queer cock suckers!
He then gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar… Youre all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.
All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says Where the fuck you going?
The guy says Im at the wrong end of the bar.
24
Oct
Karl Marx muere y va al infierno. Luego de una pequeña estadÃa, el diablo ya no lo soporta más porque está cansado de que les meta ideas raras a sus demonios y que los organice gremialmente. Entonces, tiene la genial idea de mandárselo por un rato a Dios, para fastidiarlo un poco. Al mes, decide llamar por teléfono al cielo para ver como andaban las cosas, marca y es atendido por un ángel:
El cielo, buenas tardes…
Buenas tardes, ¿podrÃa comunicarme con San Pedro?
Disculpe señor, pero San Pedro se encuentra en una cumbre por los derechos de los ángeles y no puede ser interrumpido.
Entonces, ¿podrÃa comunicarme con la Virgen MarÃa?
Disculpe señor, pero la Virgen MarÃa forma parte del grupo femenino por los derechos civiles y se encuentra muy ocupada.
¡Bueno, está bien, entonces comunÃcame con Dios!
Pero por favor, ¿no sabe usted que Dios no existe?
24
Oct
¿Güeno?, se oye la voz de la sirvienta.
Hola, dice José Antonio, está la señora cerca del teléfono?
No, tá ya arriba, en el cuarto, con un siñor.
Tras una breve pausa, José Antonio le reclama:
¡Pero si yo soy el marido!
¡Ah, yo no sé!
De acuerdo, entonces esto es lo que quiero que hagas: deja el teléfono, corre escaleras arriba y llama a la puerta del dormitorio; grÃtales que su marido acaba de llegar en el carro a la puerta de la casa.
Güeno, siñor ¿y si se pone brava la señora?
¡Pues no me importa, y hazlo!
Unos minutos más tarde, la muchacha vuelve al teléfono.
Ya hice lo que me dijo.
¿Y qué pasó?
Güeno, la señora saltó de la cama, sin ropa, corrió al baño, se resbaló y se desnucó… ¡y pos se mató!
¡Oh, Dios mÃo! ¿Y qué ha pasado con el señor?
Él también se levantó de la cama sin ropa. TenÃa mucho miedo y saltó por la ventana de atrás a la piscina, pero se le olvidó que la semana pasada la vaciaron pa limpiarla, asà que también se mató.
Hay una pausa larga, y entonces José Antonio inquiere:
¿Piscina? ¡¿Pues adónde hablo?!
24
Oct
Q:HOW MANY JEWS CAN YOU FIT IN A CAR
A:ONE HUNDRED, TWO IN THE FRONT, THREE IN THE BACK, AND NINETY FIVE IN THE ASH TRAY
24
Oct
Teacher: If you had six apples and I asked you for three, how many would you have left?
Student: Six.
24
Oct
Why does Monica Lewinsky have chubby cheeks?
Shes withholding evidence!