Old and New Jokes

Estaba un borracho caminando tranquilamente en la calle y de repente se encuentra un muerto tirado debajo de una caseta telefónica y decide llamar a la policía:

Buenas noches, usted está hablando a la estación de policías, ¿cual es su problema?

He encontrado a un muerto dice el borracho.

Está seguro de que está muerto.

Sí, señor estoy seguro.

Muy bien, en que calle se encuentra.

Espéreme, le vuelvo a llamar ahorita.

Entonces el borracho se dirige a ver el nombre de la calle y apresurado regresa al teléfono y vuelve a marcar.

Buenas noches usted está hablando a la estación de policías, ¿cual es su problema?

Soy el del muerto.

Ah sí señor, ¿cual es la calle?

Es… a ver, déjeme volver a ir a ver.

Vuelve a ir a ver el nombre de la calle y esta vez lo va repitiendo en su mente.

Buenas noches, usted está hablando a la estación de policías, ¿cuál es su problema?

Soy yo el del muerto.

Ah sí, usted, ¿cómo se llama la calle?

Ah, es… a chingá otra vez se me olvidó.

Va varias veces y siempre a la hora de marcar se le olvida el nombre de la calle. Hasta que por la duodécima vez habla:

Buenas noches, usted está hablando a la estación de policías, ¿cual es su problema?

El del muerto.

Ah otra vez usted, señor, ahora sí dígame como se llama la calle.

Insurgentes.

Pero por que no lo dijo antes si no está tan difícil.

¡Es que el nombre de la otra estaba tan difícil que mejor moví al muerto!

UNIQUE PARROT

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique
gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what hes
looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees
that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesnt seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chets left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing; Silent Night, Holy Night. The husband
is very impressed with Chets singing abilities and watches as the manager
moves the lighter underneath Chets right foot. Chet now starts to sing
Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way. The husband says Chet is perfect and
that hell take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the
parrots special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chets
left foot and the bird sings Silent Night. He then moves the lighter
under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of Jingle Bells. The
wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband
what happens if he holds the lighter between Chets legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the birds legs, and the
bird begins to sing – – Chets Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, Im going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam. The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, Not big enough.



She brings out a bigger one. He says, Still not big enough. She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, Still not big enough.



She says, Listen, Ace, why dont you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?

Q: Why do navy ships have marines on them?

A: Sheep would be to obvious.

A young man comes home and says Dad, just got my drivers license and would like to use the family car.

Father replies, :O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make certain the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then well see.

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. Dad, I got great marks on my report card. Ive been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?

Father replies, Thats all true, but son you didnt cut your hair.

Son says, But, dad, Jesus had long hair.

Father replies, Yes, son, youre perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.

George W. Bush.

A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered they could nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call girls. One of the girls discovered she was more successful as a blonde after having her hair bleached. She convinced the others that the old saying, Blondes have more fun, is true. The ladies became so popular that they were able to charge exorbitant rates.

They even charged their taxi fares to the Johns they served. When hard times hit and the market got soft, they needed a bigger come-on. Some of them understood the economic law of supply and demand, so decided to lower their rates. They decided not to include taxi fares in the fees they charged their customers.

They have become known as: The taxi-free municipal blondes.

From the book Ahaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship, the husband explained. She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He continued, She communicates well and I act like Im listening.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. Whats wrong with you? she asked him.

Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen? he replied. And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.

Baffled, she said, Yes, I remember, so what?

The husband sobbed, I would have gotten out today.

Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:

10. The horror of seeing the effects of G-Forces on wrinkles.

9. Kept using the Hubble to find his glasses.

8. Everytime he sneezed, his teeth flew out.

7. Forgot where he was each morning, kept grabbing for Scott while calling

him Annie.

6. Constantly complaining about being Stiff all over while eyeing

Chiaki.

5. Couldnt get him to stop doing the Viagra experiment.

4. When warned, Theres a Meteor Shower ahead, he thought they said,

Shower cause hed peed the bed.

3. Couldnt seem to ever attach his urinal bag properly.

2. Theres a real good reason why we call old men Old Farts.

1. The Prunetang worked, but the Depends didnt.