The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted: You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay….BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?
The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.
She replied: When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels.
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
Yo mamas so fat, she rolled over four quarters and left a dollar.
You should never drink during tax season.
You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you
thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will
destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GODS SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE!
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDNT YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND
TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO
ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
FAST FORWARD, THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
AND YOURE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???
WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
March 1 Wall Street Journal
Reprinted without permission
Edited for content
BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC
AUSTIN, Texas – The exasperated help-line caller said she couldnt get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
Ive pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens, the woman replied. Foot pedal? the technician asked. Yes, the woman said, this little white foot pedal with the on switch. The foot pedal, it turned out, was the computers mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computers operations.
Compaqs help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, What power switch?
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the any key is when Press Any Key flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to Press Return Key.
Some people cant figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if its moved over a flat surface.
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customers response: I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter…
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technicians request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. Asking the technician to hold on, the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.
No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
A lot of people want reassurance, says Mr. Shuler.
it only takes one nail to hang the picture.
John Magrich 4, defeated serval dozen grown-ups to win the 1965 Los Angles County Hog Calling contest.
The grown-ups strained with calls like: Pig, Pig, Pig WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, Pig, Pig, Pig or OOOOooooeeee, OOOOooooeeee ERGH, ERGH RRrkie, RRoooeee, Pig Pig Pig, Piggy.
John cried. Here piggy piggy. and 6 pigs walked right up to him.
41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if its up put it down.
3 . Dont cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.
6. Sometimes, hes not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Dont ask him what hes thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, its not different, its just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.
18. No, he doesnt know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think wed be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesnt have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Dont give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you dont dress like the Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the mens magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and its certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.