Old and New Jokes

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. How could you do this! he exclaimed.

I dont know, she wailed, I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.

Well, the pastor persisted, You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, Get behind me, Satan!

I did, replied his wife, but then he said It looks great from back here, too.

During midd night mass, everything went well until they came to the speaking part. It did not sound like latin and the ceremony came to a halt, everyone fixed their eyes on the altar.

One priest spoke up, isnt that you Rabbi Schulmann?

Yes, this is me. father o malley wanted to take christmas off this year and i am filling in for him. we trade work you see.

George set out on a very windy day to see his friend Sam who was sick in bed. Hours later, he pulled his weary body into Sams house. Sam asked him how it was. Ill tell ya, it was just brutal. For every step I took forewards, I fell back two steps.
Then how ever did you make it over here? Sam asked.
Well, finally I gave up, so I turned around and headed for home.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

Now, class. Observe closely the worms, said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment? the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

Drink whiskey and you wont get worms!

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None: Well fix it in software.

Did you hear what happened?

Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

Hear what I asked, my curiosity peaked.

The regional vice president died this morning!

What?! I asked, totally stunned.

What happened?

He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack Jim began explaining.

Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one.

Boy do I. Shes that young blonde babe.

Yeah thats the one. Turns out she isnt too smart, though.

What do you mean?

I asked.

He kept yelling at her to call 9 1 1. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

What do you mean? asked the attorney. Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

No, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didnt throw out the pest.

Oh, I really dont care or mind, said the waiter with a smile. We dont even have an air conditioner.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, Its spreading, its spreading.