Ill just call my lawyer about this
Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.
They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, Oh, never mind! Ill just call my lawyer! It rattled the grooms mother so much that she fainted.
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. –Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful — she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way — but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far eastern country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesnt want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first. What do you wish for yourself?
I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.
Okay, that shall be granted to you.
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Muellers mother-in-laws turn. What do you wish for yourself?
I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.
Okay, that shall be granted to you.
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself. What do you wish for yourself?
I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?
Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.
I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?
I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.
Can I help you? the madam asked. I want Natalie, the old man replied.
Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else… No, I must see Natalie.
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts… it was still $1,
000.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: No one has ever used my services three nights in a row… where are you from?
The old man replied, I am from Minsk. Really? replied Natalie, I have a sister who lives there. Yes; I know, said the old man. She gave me $3,000 to give to you.
Q. Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
A. Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what hell have to swill.
As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As hes filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man. His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what hes got in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar… the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag… pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,wow, he sure can play the piano, whered you get him?
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, Here, go ahead, rub it..
So the bartender says, Is there a real genie in there?
And the guy says, Yes, just rub it and see.
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp… and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, I will grant you one wish, and one wish only.
So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, Okay, Id like a million bucks.
The genie disappears… and theyre both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders.
Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears… and another, and another… and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks.
And the man says, Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?
Youre a dumb blonde and you need to overcome that stereotype.
Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the Queen of Mean.)
Un tipo tartamudo va por la calle cuando se encuentra con un amigo que traÃa una cara de zombie que no se la sacaba nadie, entonces le pregunta:
¡coco… coco… cococompadre! ¿Pepe… pepe… pepero queque te papa… papasó?
Es que mi mujer me engaña campadre… snif… y más encima con mi jefe, no sé que hacer, he pensado en el suicidio, en todo!
El tipo tartamudo trata de levantarle el animo y le dice:
Pepepe… pepero lo queque… lo queque… lo que tienes que que… lo que titienes queque… lo que tienes que… uf (toma un poco de aire)… lolo… lolo… lo queque tienes queque… que hacer es ol… es ol… es ol… es olvividar… es olvidar… es olvidartete… es olvidarte coco… coco… cocompletamente cocompletamente… (una segunda inhalada de aire para continuar) lolo… lolo… lo queque tienes queque… que hacer es ol… es ol… es ol… es olvividar… es olvidar… es olvidartete… es olvidarte coco… coco… cocompletamente cocompletamente de ella.
A lo que el amigo replica:
¡Claro, si para ti es FACIL DECIRLO!