Old and New Jokes

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. If you love me youll swallow that has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate wont mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word commitment doesnt scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You dont get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate theres no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesnt make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesnt matter.

Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, I have just the thing youre looking for, a bird named Chet.

Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out Chet on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that Chet could sing Christmas Carols.

Approaching the bird Chet, the manager took out his lighter and said Yes, just listen. As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all … but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chets left foot, the bird switched to Im Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the ones ….

Astonishment was the only way to describe the husbands reaction and he said, Ill buy him, what a perfect gift for my dear wife.

Racing home with Chet, the man knew he couldnt keep this wonderful gift from his wife until Christmas day. He presented Chet to her immediately and remarked, Not only is he a pretty bird, but he sings too, Dearest.

His wife was totally overwhelmed as her husband demonstrated Chets skill at singing Jingle Bells and White Christmas moving his lighter back and forth between Chets right and left foot.

What happens if you put the lighter under both his feet at the same time? asked the mans wife.

I dont know sweet, lets try it and see.

As the man move his lighter under both of the birds feet they were both surprised when the carol immediately switched to Chets nuts roasting on an open fire …

Log on – Adding a log to your wood stove

Estaba un hombre dando de pastar a su rebaño de ovejas, cuando de repente aparece por el inhóspito camino una 4×4 full equipo. Se detiene frente al viejito y se baja un man de no más de 30 años: traje negro, camisa blanca Hugo Boss y zapatos DKNY; se acerca al viejo y le dice:

Señor si yo le adivino cuántas ovejas tiene usted en su rebaño, ¿me regala una?

El viejo responde con algo de asombro Sí, cómo no.

Entonces el joven vuelve a su 4×4 y saca una Toshiba Tecra 8000 con 256MB de RAM, se conecta a internet, baja una base de datos de 300MB. Entra a una página de la NASA, mediante un satélite identifica la zona exacta de donde está el rebaño, calcula el promedio histórico del tamaño de una oveja tipo Merino mediante una tabla dinámica de Excel y, con la ejecución de algunas Macros personalizadas en Visual Basic, logra completar el diagrama de flujo.

Luego de tres horas le responde al viejo:

Usted tiene 1,347 ovejas y 4 pueden estar embarazadas.

El viejo asintió y le dijo que efectivamente, así era, y que se podía llevar una oveja. El joven tomó una y la cargó en su 4×4. Cuando estaba por irse, el viejo lo detuvo y le preguntó:

Disculpe, pero si yo llegase a adivinar en dónde estudió, ¿Ud me devuelve mi oveja?

El joven le dijo sonriente:

Seguro, señor, mientras abría la puerta de su camioneta para marcharse.

El viejo entonces contestó: Usted estudio en la U. JAVERIANA.

El joven, sorprendido completamente, dijo: ¡Exacto! ¿Cómo se dio cuenta?

El viejo le respondió:

Por 4 razones: Primero, por lambón; segundo, vino sin que yo le hablara; tercero, me cobró por decirme algo que yo ya sé; y cuarto, se nota que no tiene ni la más puta idea del negocio. ¡Devuélvame a mi perro!

how many animals can you fit in a condom. i dont know how many . 2bulls 1snake and as many hares as you can count.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!

yo mama soooo poor she caint even pay attention!

Did you know that the word gullible is not in most dictionaries?

— Scott Karlin

Having just returned from a brief visit to Puerto Rico, I must report how well the mixed english/metric system has made live easier on the island.

All speed limits are posted in Miles Per Hour

All distances on the highway are posted in Kilometers
(however short distances are posted in feet & inches)

Therefore it is normal to see the following three signs next to each other:

SPEED
LIMIT55
MPH
PONCE
55 KMSAN JUAN
285 KM
MAXIMUM
CLEARANCE
126

Just think how this must translate to one of the old common math problems assigned in school:

Train A (comprised of an engine, 22 box cars and a caboose) leaves San Juan at 12 noon south-bound for Ponce.

Train B (comprised of an engine, 16 box cars and a caboose) leaves Ponce 15 minutes later north-bound for San Juan.

There is only one stretch of double track where the trains may pass safely. This starts 100KM south of San Juan and is 2.5KM long.

It is 230KM from San Juan to Ponce (from front of engine)

Train A travels at 45MPH

Engines are 526 long

Box Cars are 428 long

Cabooses are 304 long

What is the slowest and fastest speeds at which Train B may travel to safely pass Train A?

Or, of a slightly more topical nature:

[Radio Anouncer] Hurricane Hugo is 120 KM East South East of the Island and is aproching at 18 Miles Per Hour. That means we should expect the center of the storm to pass over this area in … er … about … ah … But, first a word from our sponsor.

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba Dabba Doo!