Old and New Jokes

One who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken
or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will
make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale. Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan
Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vagetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak,
boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from
grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think youve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.

Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or
while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
Homes and Gardens.

For Sale. Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich
shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
youll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mothers helper – peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for High Fidelity,
designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs
from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Everybody knows the famous under creek/sea tunnel joining England and France. Before its construction, the tenders were invited from various construction companies by giving newspaper ads throughout the world. Banta Singh came across one such ad and he decided to fill the tender. On the day of opening the tenders everybody was surprised to find Banta Singhs tender at its very lowest. Ohere tenders were quoting billions of pounds, Banta Sing had offered to do the job for just 10000 pounds. Now , as per the rule Banta was to get the contract. Before giving works order to Banta Singh, the officer asked BantaSingh as to how he could afford to work at such a low budget. Banta Singh said,look, back home, there is my brother, Santa Singh.I will call him here. We will take two shovels. I will start diging from English bank and Santa Singh will start digging from French bank. The moment we meet, you get a tunnel. The dumbstruck officer asked with courage, and if you dont meet? Banta Singh replied, then you will get two tunnels in same cost.

One Sunday morning, while walking to church, Paddy askes Bridget, Bridget, do we have sexual relations?

Bridget: Not on my side of the family, we dont.

Q. Whats Irish foreplay?

A. Brace yourself, Bridget!

Q. What is the most useless thing on a womans body?

A. An Irishman.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it."Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasnt so bad. "But what about the 10,000 dollars?""Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

A man walks into his doctor and says Doctor, doctor i have a bit of an embarrising problem.

The doctor replies, Okay, lets see it.

The man pulls down his pants and bends over to reveal a lettuce leaf growing out his backside.

The man asks Do you think its serious?

The doctor replies, To tell you the truth it looks like just the tip of the iceberg.

A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair. The blonde replied, I cant do without it, just cut around it.

The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, I just cant cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off. The blonde replied, I just cant live without it, cut around it please. The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.

The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.

In a soft but commanding voice she heard, Breathe in………. Breathe out………… Breathe in………. Breathe out………… Breathe in………. Breathe out…………

Era un pedo mal oliente

que se salió de repente

de las nalgas del un mortal

Era sólo la cagada

(una cosa tan mareada)

que a todos hacia mal

Al notar el caballero

que la mezcla andaba mal

apretándose el trasero

exclamaba muy formal:

!Pedo, pedo de olor a cagada

que en mi vientre tan goloso fabriqué

quién te mandó de mis nalgas huir!

Así exclamo el caballero en aquel penoso día

en que el pedo de tan fuerte que salió

los calzones le rompió.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marion!
Marion who?
Marion on a Sunday!