Yo mama so fat she laid on a bed of nails and bent them.
27
May
27
May
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
27
May
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought hed put an end to things by saying boldly,
After our second child, Ill just have a vasectomy.
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, Well, I hope youll love the third one just as if its your own…
27
May
This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining. The list of ingredients is as follows:
1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight.
8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them.
32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
3 gallons chicken stock.
salt, pepper, to taste.
Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.
Saute the onions, carrots, and celery ina large pan, using some olive oil, until tender.
Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned. Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with pepper, salt and garlic to taste.
Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut. As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult to find an oven large enough to do the job. So you will have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kids wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local grouches garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done. This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively inclined diners.
P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories for such little beasties and they wont fall for the vodka trick twice in two years.
26
May
Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.
Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
26
May
Iban tres de Bilbao en una moto a toda pastilla por la gran via cuando se dan el tortazo del siglo y se matan los 3.
Suben al cielo y en la puerta se encuentran a San Pedro repasando los ingresos del dÃa.
Les ve llegar y llama al primero:
A ver, tu ¿cómo te llamas?
¡Pues Patxi!
¿Y de dónde eres?
¡De Bilbao pues!
Muy bien, Patxi de Bilbao, ¿y qué sabes hacer?
¡Ay va la ostia! ¡pues jugar al mus y cagarme en dios!
San Pedro le mira horrorizado y montado en cólera le echa de ahà derechito para el infierno.
Aún enojadÃsimo llama al segundo y comienza el interrogatorio:
¿De dónde eres tú?
¡De Bilbao también oye!
¡Ah! y seguro que venÃas con el que conducÃa la moto, ¿no?
Pues sÃ, y antes de que me preguntes te diré que yo sé hacer lo mismo: jugar al mus y cagarme en dios…
San Pedro echa humo por las orejas.
¡Pero que os habéis creÃdo! ¡Sinvergüenzas! ¡SacrÃlegos! ¡Fuera de aquÃ! ¡Al infierno!
Viendo esto, el tercero que quedaba se propone no acabar igual de ninguna de las maneras, no sea que en el infierno se encuentre con la suegra.
Le llega su turno y comienza el interrogatorio:
¿Y tú? dice San Pedro enfadadÃsimo, ¿también de Bilbao?
Sà señor San Pedro, dice el bilbaÃno.
¿Y qué? en la moto también, ¿no?
Sà mi señor San Pedro, un error…
¿Y tú qué? ¿sabes hacer lo mismo que los otros dos?
¡No! ¿Cómo puede usted pensar eso de mà señor San Pedro? ¡Yo soy cumplidor a rajatabla de los 5 mandamientos!
San Pedro pone cara de extrañado y le dice:
¿Cinco? ¿cinco mandamientos? ¡CINCO MAS!
Y el de Bilbao suelta:
¡ÓRDAGO, MECAGÜENDIOS!
26
May
What do you call half a busload of [Ethnics] going off a cliff?
A shame the other half wasnt full.
26
May
What kind of key opens a casket?
A skeleton key
26
May
Didja hear that diarrheas hereditary? Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
26
May
Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler. The driver of the Buick was Father Francis OBoyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein.
After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle. Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father OBoyle and asks him: Tell me, Father, how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?