Old and New Jokes

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, What are you up to there, Tim?
My goldfish died, replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, and Ive just buried him.
The neighbor was concerned, Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, Thats because hes inside your @#$%&*@#$%&* cat.

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

How do you get a lawyer down from a tree…? Cut the rope..

Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor homes sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was thebest laugh hed ever had.

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.

Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over. The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up.

The doctor is quite surprised: I see what the problem is your penis is so large that its pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords.

W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?

Sure I can but well need to cut off about 8 inches

I-I-I-I cant t-t-t-take this an-any more do it.

Six months later the guy goes back to the doc. Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off.

The doc replies F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, Thank you for your interest, but weve decided to give the job to the other applicant.
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. Simple, said the department manager, Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, I dont know. You put down, Neither do I.

A hillbilly comes home and tells his mom that when they shower after gym class he notices hes the most sexually developed boy in the whole 8th grade class.

Do you suppose its due to our good hillbilly genes and all the home cooked vittles you make? he asks.

Its possible, his mom says but more than likely its because youre nineteen years old.

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, I cant find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think its due to drinking.

In that case, said the patient, Ill come back when youre sober!

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the ministers breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, Sir, have you been drinking?

Just water, says the minister.

The trooper says, Then why do I smell wine?

The minister looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! Hes done it again!