Old and New Jokes

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality."If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?""Id have to say the living one."

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.

He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: Our deepest sympathy.

But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didnt come too.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermists number on speed-dial.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied Im on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said Im on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell?

She replied, if I told you, you would only laugh. No I wouldnt, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

Well if you must know, she answered, I sell Tampax.

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said see I knew you would laugh.

Thats not what Im laughing at he replied, Im a toilet paper salesman, so Im still a hole behind you!

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
Asshole.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?

A: Theyve both swallowed a lot of seamen.

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

(just say it to confuse people)

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. Well, darling, said her mom, how was the honeymoon?

Oh, mother, she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language… Stuff Id never heard before… Really terrible 4-letter words… Youve got to come get me and take me home… PLEASE MOTHER!

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey, the mother countered, WHAT 4-letter words?

I cant tell you, mother, said the daughter, theyre too awful! COME GET ME, _P_L_E_A_S_E_ !!!

Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell mother the 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride said, Mother… its just terrible. Words like DUST… WASH… IRON… COOK.

Thanx to Anne Park.

Excerpt from an article by Mike Nichols of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram
concerning the photo of a very pregnant Demi Moore on the cover of
Vanity Fair:

The photo … tweaks our cultural ambivalence about nudity.
Take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and
firing an Uzi, and terrified citizens will phone the police and report:
Theres a naked person outside!

This has been forwarded so many times, I can no longer tell who deserves credit
for compiling these in the first place.

Why wouldnt an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
–V.P. D.Q.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
–V.P. D.Q.

Mars is essentially in the same orbit… somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.
–V.P. D.Q.

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
–V.P. D.Q.,
Hawaii, September 1989

What a terrible thing to have lost ones mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is.
–V.P. D.Q. winning friends while
speaking to the United Negro College Fund

You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
–V.P. D.Q., to the American Samoans,
whose capital Quayle pronounces Pogo Pogo.

Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
Holocaust. He said it was an obscene period in our nations history.
Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant this centurys
history and added a confusing comment. We all lived in this century,
I didnt live in this century, he said.
–V.P. D.Q.

We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights.
–V.P. D.Q.

El Salvador is a democracy so its not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans… I have heard a
single voice.
–V.P. D.Q.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy–but that could change.
–V.P. D.Q.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is to be prepared.
–V.P. D.Q.

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
–V.P. D.Q., to the Phoenix Republican
Forum, March 1990

Its rural America. Its where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
–V.P. D.Q.

Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments –
which are the key–that is what gets money into the farmers hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
–V.P. D.Q. on being asked to
define the term target prices.
Quayles press secretary then cut short the press
conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.

I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
–V.P. D.Q.

I want to be Robin to Bushs Batman.
–V.P. D.Q.

We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in Red Storm Rising.
–V.P. D.Q.

The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
–V.P. D.Q. Referring to Latin America.

Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. Thats a statement in and of itself.
–V.P. D.Q.

Who would have predicted… that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
Unbelievable.
–V.P. D.Q.
(Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.)

May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
–The Quayles 1989 Christmas card.
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
–V.P. D.Q. referring to
the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
[this may be a joke; the source is unclear,
but its still funny]

…getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
–V.P. D.Q. referring to his legislative
work dealing with cruise missiles

I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
–V.P. D.Q. addressing workers at
an Ohio steel plant,1988

[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
–V.P. D.Q. during the Bentson debate

Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President–and
I will be–there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, Im not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. Im going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
–V.P. D.Q. when asked what he
would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988

Lookit, Ive done it their way this far and now its my turn. Im
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me … Theres not going to be any more
handler stories because Im the handler … Im Doctor Spin.
–V.P. D.Q. responding to press reports
his aides having to, in effect, potty train him.

I would guess that theres adequate low-income housing in this
country.
–V.P. D.Q.

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
–V.P. D.Q.

The real question for 1988 is whether were going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the–to the back!
–V.P. D.Q.

We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
–V.P. D.Q., 1988

Well let the sun shine in and shine on us, because today were
happy and tomorrow well be even happier.
–V.P. D.Q., 1988

Were going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.
–V.P. D.Q.

This election is about whos going to be the next President of the
United States!
–V.P. D.Q., 1988

Dont forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. Were not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.

Ive been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. Im very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. Its one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.

I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family–which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be … The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, Im often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
–V.P. D.Q.