Old and New Jokes

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A mother balloon is floating arond with her baby balloon. The caring mother tells her child to watch out for the cactus. The baby balloon replies, What cactusssssssssssssssssssss…?

You might be a redneck if…
You clean your nails with a stick.

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.

After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

Ive been a little sick to my stomach, she replied.

Well, said the older physician, youve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why dont you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps.

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

You didnt even examine that woman, the younger doctor stated.

I didnt have to, the elder physician explain. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill.

Thats pretty sneaky, commented the younger doctor. Do you mind if I try it at the next house?

I dont suppose it could hurt anything, the elder physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

Ive felt terribly run down lately, the widow replied. I just dont have as much energy as I used to.

Youve probably been doing too much work for the church, the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps.

As they left, the elder physician said, Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?

Sure, replied the younger doctor. Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!

A guy and a gal were in the backseat of his car after having sex. The guy says to the gal, If I would have known you were a virgin I would have taken more time. The gal replies, Hell, if Id a known you had more time, Id a taken off my pantyhose.

Womens faults are many, men have only 2:

Everything they say and everything they do.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ocelot!
Ocelot who?
Ocelot of questions dont you!

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

Hello? Im calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbors house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?

Yep.

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Great, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, Beerrr!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,lemonadeee!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling wheeeeeeeee!!!