A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyones amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? The guy says No, what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table … whole! Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the guy, He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now? No, what? replies the guy. Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it! said the bartender. Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.
Weve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ….GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:Youre next.I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man, and a very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that they dont believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they cant keep horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass.
Some have just ordinary asses that you wouldnt look at twice, others have extraordinary asses. The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice, but his wife has a beautiful ass.
People who really know asses say that she has one of the finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often stop her on the way to the market to pat her ass.
On Sunday they all go to church on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride the boys asses and sometimes the boys ride the girls asses.
Now of this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately following the sermon so he thought he better have it handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window.
During the service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass. The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a big hole and he fell into it …
Which goes to show that even a preacher doesnt know his ass from a hole in the ground.
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You can’t take it with you.
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
Oh, that darned old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.
Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, Im so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.
The grandmother was curious. What trick is that my dear? she asked.
The little boy replied, I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
187. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper
I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
It worked well for Reagan, didnt it?
Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!
I was working smarter-not harder.
Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
Im in the management training program.
Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off!
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
Its okay… Im still billing the client.
And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
…and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!
what do you call a chineese shit shoveler?
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, youre slow.
When your boss takes a long time, hes thorough.
When you dont do it, youre lazy.
When your boss doesnt do it, hes too busy.
When you make a mistake, youre an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, hes only human.
When doing something without being told, youre overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, thats initiative.
When you take a stand, youre being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, hes being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, youre being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, hes being original.
When you please your boss, youre apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, hes being co-operative.
When youre out of the office, youre wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, hes on business.
When youre on a day off sick, youre always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, its because hes overworked