In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
Talking Dog for Sale.
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
You talk? he asks.
Yep, the mutt replies.
So, whats your story?
The mutt looks up and says, Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired.
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, Ten dollars.
The guy says, This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?
The owner replies, Hes just a big liar. He didnt do any of that stuff.
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, Now, theres the biggest horses ass Ive ever seen. A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. Shes a horses ass too, the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Bush country! Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!
Mind over matter… if you dont mind it doesnt matter.
A baseball team
A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, Well, Im done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, Sir, what are you doing!?!
The man turned toward the teller and said, Oh, nothing – just looking around.
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care wont be?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first ones knee from jerking.
Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? So she could lip read.