Old and New Jokes

This question was posted to the Usenet Oracle:

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side
down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it
will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread,
butter-side up to a cats back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat
land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to
deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must
hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that
the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land,
nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not
fall.

Thats right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have
discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released,
quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion
are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some
of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cats limbs, allowing
descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to
drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The
one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their
backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet,
but this usually doesnt do them much good, since right after they make their
graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on
top of them.

The trash can gets taken out once in a while.

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.

The man say I can do it!

So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok Ill do it!

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, How did you make the donkey laugh?

The man looks at the bartender and says, Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did.

How did you make him cry? ask the bartender?

Well I showed him.

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back



to the station to get them.



George replied, We dont have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.



It was a hot day and Mary didnt fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.



Fidos nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fidos ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.



Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.



Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.



Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.



Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.



The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeants balls in his mouth.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?
A: Its referred to as the log scale.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Gary Condit looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him. What is it? yells the Congressman.

Its this abortion bill, Mr. Condit. What do you want to do about it? the aide asks.

Just go ahead and pay it, responds the Congressman.

Did you hear about the new movie Constipation?

It hasnt come out yet.

A guy walked into a bar one day and noticed a jar full of money on the counter.

He asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh, he could have that jar of money.

So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing his head off. He gets his money and walks out.

The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar of money sitting on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry, he could have that jar of money.

So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying huge tears.

As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and cry.

The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger pecker then he did, and the second time I proved it.

Something to ponder… Do the workers at the Lipton factory get a

coffee break?