HacÃa meses que el barco se encontraba en alta mar, y todos los dÃas la tripulación le preguntaba al vigÃa:
¿Y cuándo?
Hasta que una mañana el vigÃa grita:
Ti-ti-ti-ti…
Y en el acto, toda la tripulación se lanzó al agua de contentos. Entonces el vigÃa continua:
¡Ti-ti-ti tiburones!
1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
2. You can forget about going to heaven because its sin to look that good.
3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why dont you just come along peacefully?
4. I envy your lipstick.
5. I just want to be loved – is that so wrong?
6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi – Ive just gotta have it.
7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what Im here after.
8. If I had eleven roses and you, Id have a dozen.
9. Baby, you look so sweet youre giving me a cavity.
10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
11. Id even marry your dog just to be related to you.
How do you get a black man out of a tree?
Cut the rope!!
Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says, Well, theres not that much room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if its interesting enough, Ill let you in.
So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man.
He says, I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him… Under the bed, in the closet… Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasnt sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide.
Wow, said St. Peter, thats a pretty fantastic story.
So St. Peter calls in the second guy.
He said, One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!
Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, Alright, picture this: Youre naked, and in a refrigerator…
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bills wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bills wife followed him and asked, Did you see anything that you liked under there?
John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said You can have it, but it will cost you $100.
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesnt, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had wild sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, Did John come by this afternoon?
Reluctantly, she replied, Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.
Next Bill asked, Did John give you $100?
She thinks Oh hell, he knows! Finally she says, Yes, he did give me $100.
Good, Bill says. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT!
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, had no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increasing after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.
People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today
that more software companies have been added to the groups watch list
of companies that regularly practice software testing. There is no
need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like
these can market new products, said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for
PETS. Alternative methods of testing these products are available.
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo
lenghty and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to break the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
torturing the software.
Its no joke, said Grandola. Innocent programs, from the day
they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours
on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when theyre not needed any
more. Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and
is infested with bugs. We know that alternatives to this horror
exist, he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a
company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the
first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out GREEN SIDE UP!.
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!.
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!.
The lady then asked him, Why do you keep yelling green side up?.
Im sorry, came the reply. But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Clinton is on the beach at Marthas Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.
Genie: Hi Bill. Im a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish–it had better be easy if you want me to do it.
Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.
Genie: Thats a little hard, give me something easier.
Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?
Genie: World peace it is.