Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going Huh ! I couldve done that !
15
May
15
May
Yo mama so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to turn green.
15
May
EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME …
1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DONT forward an email!
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesnt know anything about a gift certificate theyre supposed to send me.
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, Outback or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail …NEVER-NEVER!!
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESNT WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this
to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I dont believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at
15
May
We know about movies like Collateral Damage, that were scheduled for release but were pulled because of 9/11, causing major headaches for studios. But what about all the books that were written before 9/11 and then had to be scrapped?
Giuliani: Why He Could Never Handle a Huge Crisis
Our Fear-Free, Pampered, Celebrity-Obsessed, Self-Indulgent, Insular American World: Why It Will Go On Like This Forever
Carry On: Its Time To Stop All This Unnecessary Airport Security
Religious Fundamentalism: The Last Best Hope to Bring Peace to the World
Mommy, I Feel Too Safe: How to Raise Children in a Boring World
Hosed: Are Firemen Really All That Brave, Or Is It Just a Bunch Of Hype?
How to Find a Great Name for Your Speed-Metal Band, by Joey Belladonna of Anthrax
Jihad? Wasnt She On Moesha?: 100 Hilarious Jokes About Americans Ignorance of World Affairs and Other Cultures
The Death of CNN: Why The All-News Format Failed
Stem Cell Research: George W. Bushs defining moment
How to Look Afghan
Take a Powder!: The kids guide to de-electronizing finely milled granular substances
15
May
Two old Jewish gentlemen were having lunch in a Chinese restaurant, and the conversation turned to the status of Jewish communities around the world.
They discussed the plight of Soviet Jewry, and how the break-up of the USSR was making emigration to Israel easier for those Jews. They chatted about Ethiopian Jews, and whether they were really Jewish, considering the differences in their religious practices from that of the Orthodox sect.
They even discussed the problem of intermarriage in American Jews.
Eventually, since they were in a Chinese establishment, the conversation turned to the status of Jews in Asia. One of the gentlemen was certain that there had been a thriving community of Jews in Beijing – and probably still was; but, the other was equally certain that Jews had intermarried in China to the point where they had completely assimilated. Their discussion became quite heated.
Hearing the raised voices, their waiter hurried over. Food OK? he asked.
The meal is fine, replied one of the Jews, but we were arguing about Chinese Jews. Do you have any?
The waiter thought for a moment. Dont know, he admitted. Ask cook. And he vanished into the kitchen.
After a few minutes, he reappeared, frowning. So sorry, he began. Cook say no Chinese Jews.
Before either Jew could say anything, the waiter smiled and continued: Cook say we have apple juice and tomato juice.
14
May
Im Glad Im A Woman
Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I dont brag to my buddies about my erections
I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt
my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I dont go around readjusting my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind
Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!
Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing
I dont have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack
And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb
Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball
I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I wont tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true
Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!
14
May
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, Why is your stomach so big?
She replied, Im having a baby.
With big eyes, he asked, Is the baby in your stomach?
She said, He sure is.
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, Is it a good baby?
She said, Oh, yes. Its a real good baby.
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…
Then why did you eat him?
14
May
What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!
14
May
In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said…
If I had all the beer in the world, Id throw it in the river!
Then he talked some more and a little while later he said….
If I had all the wine in the world, Id throw it in the river!
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said…
If i had all the whiskey in the world, Id throw it in the river!
Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down.
Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said:
now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134,
LETS ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!
14
May
If you get in my way, Ill kill you!
— ideal project manager
If you get in my way, youll kill me!
— somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, Ill kill you!
— somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, Ill kill you!
— A tough m. f. project manager
(eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
–dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
–messianic project manager
Get away, Ill kill us all!
–suicidal project manager
If you kill me, Ill get in your way.
–thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you Ill get in your way.
–project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
–project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way,
so no one will get killed.
–project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
–weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, youll get your way.
–pragmatic project manager
Kill me, its the only way.
–every project manager to date.