Old and New Jokes

Two old Jewish gentlemen were having lunch in a Chinese restaurant, and the conversation turned to the status of Jewish communities around the world.

They discussed the plight of Soviet Jewry, and how the break-up of the USSR was making emigration to Israel easier for those Jews. They chatted about Ethiopian Jews, and whether they were really Jewish, considering the differences in their religious practices from that of the Orthodox sect.

They even discussed the problem of intermarriage in American Jews.

Eventually, since they were in a Chinese establishment, the conversation turned to the status of Jews in Asia. One of the gentlemen was certain that there had been a thriving community of Jews in Beijing – and probably still was; but, the other was equally certain that Jews had intermarried in China to the point where they had completely assimilated. Their discussion became quite heated.

Hearing the raised voices, their waiter hurried over. Food OK? he asked.

The meal is fine, replied one of the Jews, but we were arguing about Chinese Jews. Do you have any?

The waiter thought for a moment. Dont know, he admitted. Ask cook. And he vanished into the kitchen.

After a few minutes, he reappeared, frowning. So sorry, he began. Cook say no Chinese Jews.

Before either Jew could say anything, the waiter smiled and continued: Cook say we have apple juice and tomato juice.

Im Glad Im A Woman

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.



He inquisitively ask the lady, Why is your stomach so big?

She replied, Im having a baby.



With big eyes, he asked, Is the baby in your stomach?

She said, He sure is.



Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, Is it a good baby?

She said, Oh, yes. Its a real good baby.



With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…

Then why did you eat him?

What do you call a dog that hears voices?

A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said…

If I had all the beer in the world, Id throw it in the river!

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said….

If I had all the wine in the world, Id throw it in the river!

After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said…

If i had all the whiskey in the world, Id throw it in the river!

Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down.

Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said:

now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134,

LETS ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!

If you get in my way, Ill kill you!
— ideal project manager

If you get in my way, youll kill me!
— somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, Ill kill you!
— somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, Ill kill you!
— A tough m. f. project manager
(eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you.
–dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can!
–messianic project manager

Get away, Ill kill us all!
–suicidal project manager

If you kill me, Ill get in your way.
–thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you Ill get in your way.
–project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
–project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way,
so no one will get killed.
–project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
–weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, youll get your way.
–pragmatic project manager

Kill me, its the only way.
–every project manager to date.

When a man is described as having a green thumb, it doesnt necessarily mean hes a great gardener. It could also mean hes a rotten painter!

If you cross a rambling rose with a pansy, you get a rose that still rambles, but it also skips!

He must be a good gardener. He and his plants are both potted!

There was a man who flunked tree-doctor school. He fainted at the sight of sap!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton invested all the turkey.

A man went into the proctologists office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctors desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but whats the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

Llega un tipo bien borracho a las 3:00 de la madrugada a su casa, mete la llave despacio sin hacer ruido para no despertar a su mujer; pero la mujer lo estaba esperando y, cuando el beodo abre la puerta, la esposa enciende la luz. El borrachín al verse descubierto le dice:

¿Qué?

¿Qué de qué?, le replica la esposa.

¿Qué de qué o qué?

¿Qué de qué o qué de qué?

¿Qué de qué o qué de qué o qué?

¿Qué de qué o qué de qué o qué por qué?

¿Qué de qué o qué de qué o qué por qué, qué?

¿Dónde andabas?

¡No, no, no me cambies la conversación!