Old and New Jokes

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!

The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.

The agent said, You dont have what it takes, Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the womans turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, The darn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair.

I was sitting in the back of a taxi one day when I noticed the driver went straight threw a red light. I said to him, you just drove straight threw a red light! He replied, Ah its ok, my brother does it all the time. Not long after that, he drove threw another red light, and again he responded, its ok, my brother does it all the time. I was starting to get a bit worried, when he slammed his breaks on right in front of a green light. I yelled What did you stop for!? he turned around and replied; My brother might be comin the other way…

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined!

Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer.

Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?

No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!

Confidently the lawyer responded, Im sure we would have lost the case if youd sent them.

But I did send them., replied the man.

What? shouted the lawyer?

I sure did, thats how we won the case … good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiffs business card.

[From Alberts wife Wilma, who claims it is true:]

One of the problems dealt with during the training of Southern
Baptist ministers is how to handle those uncomfortable situations
in which, while the minister would be forbidden to lie, the truth
would be hurtful if not down right cruel.

As a particular case, when faced with a particularly ugly baby
–and, sadly, they do exist– the prospective minister is taught
to throw up his hands while emitting a delighted Why! Its a baby!

So our scene shifts to a large Baptist convention. The Bishop,
making the rounds, comes upon a young newly ordained minister who is
also a recent, proud papa. Looking down, the Bishop says, Why, its
a baby! whereupon the young minister decks him.

Q: Whats the name of a good English horn player?
A: Ill tell you when I meet one.

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each others values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each others company.



After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.



Perhaps I shouldnt look a gift horse in the mouth, but… Hows your health?



Its OK, he answers. Im not getting any younger, but I dont have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.



Well, then, she replies I dont want to be a snoop, but Ive got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?



So-so. Im not rich, but Im comfortable. You dont have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.



The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain –

And hows your sex life….



Infrequently, he declares.



The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking…

And is that one word or two?

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Menckens Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Slash

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, this is a special day. Im celebrating.

Im celebrating, too, she said, clinking glasses with him.

What are you celebrating? he asked.

For years Ive been trying to have a child, she replied, Today my gynecologist told me Im pregnant!

Congratulations, the man said, lifting his glass. As it happens, Im a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today theyre finally fertile.

How did it happen?

I switched cocks.

Ill drink to that, she said, smiling.