On little johnny,s 9th birthday his grandpa said johnny for your birthday im finally gonna let you go fishing with me, but you better be ready at 5 tomorrow morning. so johnny woke up at three and got ready while his mother made him a huge lunch. she put sandwiches, chips, sodas, all kinds of stuff. so johnny waits on the porch, & finally his grandpa pulls up and their off! a couple of hours pass as their on the boat fishing, and johnny heres a can open turns and says hey grandpa get have some of that beer his grandpa says well johnny, does your dick touch your asshole. johnny says no and granpa says well then you cant have none of this beer. time passes and johnny hears granpa spit so johnny asks hey granpa, can i have some of that chewin tobacca grandpa says well johnny does your dick touch your asshole johnny says no so grandpa replys well then you aint gettinnone of this tobacca. well johnny gets hungry and rolls out his huge lunch his mother packed and starts eating, well grandpa sees his lunch and asks hey johnny, can i get some of that their lunch johnny says well gandpa does your dick touch your asshole and grandpa says well actually it does so johnny says good, go fuck yourself cause you aint gettin none of this lunch!
Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.
The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:
For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there
is one chopping at the roots.
-H.D. Thoreau
On their April Fools issue they ran the following:
For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand
smoking the stuff.
yo mommas so poor that when u asked whats for dinner she looked down at her feet and said corn
Holiday Banana Bread:
Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana
Instructions: 1 – look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2 – Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3 – Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4 – Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5 – Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6 – Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but do not lick the bowl. NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.
A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, Come on in. Ill show you around. Youll like it here.
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sams clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.
The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasnt moved in a year or two.
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, Ive seen everyones clock but President Clintons. Where is his clock?
Saint Peter smiled, Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!
Tres amigas están hablando de sus respectivos maridos:
La primera dice: Pues chicas, resulta que el otro dÃa acababa de hacer el amor con mi Paco y me dio por tocarle sus huevos… ¡Si vieran lo frÃos que estaban!
La segunda: ¡Claro! Como los pobrecitos se quedan fuera… A los de mi Mariano les pasa lo mismo.
La tercera: ¡Oich! ¿Qué me dicen? No tenÃa ni idea, pero ni idea… Bueno, esta noche lo compruebo y ya les contaré.
Al dÃa siguiente se reúnen de nuevo y una viene hecha un cristo con un ojo morado:
Pero, chica, ¿qué te ha pasado?
Pues resulta que ayer por la noche, después de hacer el amor con mi Bartolo, fui a comprobar lo de los huevos frÃos y se me ocurrió decir: ¡Mira! ¡Como los de Paco y Mariano! ¡Y si vieran la que se armó!
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
Ive circled the block for 20 minutes. Im late for an appointment, and if I dont park here Ill lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
Ive circled the block for 20 years, and if I dont give you a ticket, Ill lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation.
Do you know why the British ships came back from the Falkland Islands
full of sheep?
War brides.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.