Old and New Jokes

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!

Sister Mary, crying, asks, But Mother Superior, arent you happy that the abbey is warm? To which the Mother Superior replies, Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve.

Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they dont have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.

Una chica muy guapa, acababa de cumplir 17 y como iba a su primera fiesta sola, estaba un poco nerviosa respecto a qué tenía que hacer si algún chico quería propasarse.

Su mamá le dijo, No te preocupes, es muy fácil. Cuando un chico se te acerque y quiera algo más, tú le preguntas, ¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé? y eso lo va a asustar.

Y con esa importante recomendación, ella se fue a la fiesta.

En la fiesta, uno de los chicos empezó a bailar con ella y, poco a poco, a besarla y acariciarla. Así que ella le preguntó, ¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé?. El chico inventó una excusa y desapareció.

Un poco después, la misma escena volvió a suceder: un chico empezó a besarle el cuello, los hombros… y cuando ella le preguntó por el nombre del bebé, el chico se ofreció para traerle un refresco.

Más tarde, otro chico la invitó a dar un paseo y, después de unos minutos, empezó a besarla y ella te preguntó, ¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé?.

Él seguía besándola y empezó a quitarle la ropa. ¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé?, volvió a preguntar ella. Él empezó a hacerle el amor y ella volvió a preguntarle, ¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerte a nuestro bebé?.

Cuando terminó, él se sacó el condón, le hizo un par de nudos y le dijo:

¡Si este carajo logra salir de aquí, le ponemos David Copperfield!

Ever since Lutherans stopped discriminating against gays in the church, things are a little different.

Recently, the Lutheran church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and asked whom ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate to please stand up.

A gay man stood up and announced that the donation was his. The preacher told him, Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns. Excitedly, the gay guy looked around and started pointing, saying, Ill take him, him, and him.

Once there was a little boy name Jonny Humpharder. There was a little girl that lived down the street, and her mother always told her not to go his Jonny house or yard. So one day Johnny asks the little girl to come in his yard to play she says, my mom said I cant. Then he says Ill give you a cookie she says ok. Then he says let go in my house she says my mom says I cant he says Ill give you TWO cookies she says ok. Then he says to her lets go in my room she says my mom said I cant he says Ill give you THREE cookies she says ok. Then Jonnys mom comes home and says, Jonny Humpharder, Johnny Humpharder, he says I AM, I AM. The end (I hope you think it was funny because I do)

1)Sept. 17, 1955: Young Michael Jagger gets his lips caught in a Coke bottle for several hours.2)September 8, 1949: In Bavaria, Richard Strauss dies.
September 8, 1949: In Greece, Milos Muzak is born.3)November 17, 1984: Dont worry, Mr. Dylan, the novocaine will wear off *LONG* before your recording session.4)October 31, 1975: At a costume party in Greenwich Village,a soldier, an Indian, a biker, a construction worker, a cop and a cowboy all decide, This is too much fun to do just once a year!5)July 23, 1956: Colonel Tom Parker says to Elvis, Boy, youre nothin but skin and bones. You better put on some weight,or people are gonna think youre sick!6)June 7, 1966: Hey, chaps, Id like you to meet my new girlfriend, Yoko.7)August 15, 1953: Future songwriter Jimmy Webb forgets his slice of birthday cake outside. Moments later, it begins to rain.8)November 3, 1987: Knowing how much her kids loved Star Wars, a naive Tipper Gore rushes home with a newly-bought Luke Skywalker and 2-Live Crew CD.9)August 12, 1986: Congratulations Mr. Hanson — its another boy!10) September 6, 1977: Due to a misprint on his high school schedule, Kenny G. attends Sax Education class.11)July 29, 1974: Soup or sandwich today, Ms. Cass?12)August 16, 1969: At a party for her 11th birthday, Madonna Louise Ciccone is strangely unfazed when Vinny Martello
stuffs two ice cream cones down the front of her dress.

French War Heroes.

Una mujer que duerme se despierta por un ruido como a las tres de la madrugada, y le dice al hombre que duerme con ella:

¡MI MARIDO!

El tipo toma su ropa y se tira por la ventana desde el tercer piso… minutos más tarde entra el mismo hombre y le dice a la mujer:

¡Pero Che, yo soy tu maridooooooooo!

Your momma is so stupid . . .

She wears a wig with a chin strap.

His parents had just moved to town, and it was his first day in first
grade at the new school. He was really nervous, but he didnt do so badly,
he learned to count to 50, when most of the other kids could
only count to 30, (some kids got to 35, but our boy got all the way to 50
and only missed a couple of numbers)

Our hero was so excited, that when he got home he told his dad
how well he had done in school. His dad said Son, you did so well
becuase youre an [ethnic].

The next day the kids learned the alphabet in school. Most of th ekids got
as far as M or Q, but our hero got all the way to Z, and only missed
a couple of letters.

That evening, bursting with pride, he told his dad how he had done better
than all the other students
on the alphabet. His dad said Son, you did so well
becuase youre an [ethnic].

The next day, in gym class, our hero notced that he was a bit more
developed than any of the other boys. That night he asked his dad
if was bigger than the other boys because he was an [ethnic]?

No, son, his dad told him, Youre bigger than the other boy becuase
youre eighteen.