Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.

A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldnt find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out Where is the rake? She says What! so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says eye left tit behind the bush.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems = with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santas summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.

In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to all who have made Christmas great, and vowed to make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all. It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked Why buy Christmas? Bill Gates replied Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. Well use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office

97.

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 96 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so dont expect any changes this year. She continued, our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas

96. It will be bigger and better than last year. She further elaborated that Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network will get previews of Christmas 96 as early as November first.

Christmas 96 is scheduled for release in December of 1996, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of

1997. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next years economy and the nations tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. But it could be good in the long term, he explained. With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business, suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was sizeable, even for a man of Santas stature. Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

How about a little Christmas poetry?

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesnt believe in Santa Claus …
Because she has her Master Charge

My wife had her credit card stolen,I havent reported it yet because of who ever has it doesnt spend as much as she does.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
a bar having a few drinks together.

The Englishman says to the Frenchman, So tell me, what do you do to drive your
wife wild?

Well, says the Frenchman, After making love, I go out to the garden and
pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body.
then I gently blow them off with a soft,even breath, and that drives her wild.

Then the Frenchman says, And what do you do to drive your wife wild?

To which the Englishman replies, After making love, I get some baby oil and
massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!

Then the pair turn to the Newfoundlander and ask him what he does.

Naawww you dont want to know what I do he says.

So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they
ask him what he does.

Well.., he says, When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of
bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild.

Im worried that Im losing my wifes love, the husband told the counseller.

Has she started to neglect you? Not at all, the dejected man replied. She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, shes a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch, or says she has a headache.

So whats the problem?

Maybe Im just being too sensitive, the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks Im sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, Die! Die, you son of a bitch!

Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

I would like my grandchildren to say, He was successful in business, declared the first man.

Fifty years from now, said the second, I want them to say, He was a loyal family man.

Turning to the third gent, he asked, So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?

Me? the third one replied. I want them to say, He certainly looks good for his age.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatal outcome.

Youre a redneck if…

-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Dennys a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is Does this look infected to you?

-You ask your wife weather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies Its a gummy bear.

-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say Watch this everytime before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.