Old and New Jokes

It takes too long to sink in

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. Honey, she says, now that were married, will you tell me what a penis is?

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. *This*, my love, is a penis. he told her.

Oh! she exclaimed. It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. Since Ive been with the firm for so long, he said, I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.

The human resources director agreed and said hed have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?To see what was on the other side.

Esto es para todos los enamorados empedernidos, que seguramente conocen esa bella frase, que más o menos dice así:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si regresa es tuyo, si no, nunca lo fue.

Precioso, ¿verdad? Pues bien, veamos ahora las nuevas versiones de la composición en cuestión, según como lo dirían distintos tipos de personas:

Versión pesimista:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si, como era de esperarse, no vuelve, nunca fue tuyo.

Versión optimista:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre, y no te preocupes, que seguramente volverá.

Versión desconfiada:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si acaso vuelve, pregúntale por qué volvió.

Versión impaciente:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si no vuelve en las próximas dos horas, llama a la policía.

Versión flemática:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si no vuelve, ponte cómodo y sigue esperando hasta la eternidad, que algún día volverá.

Versión juguetona:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si vuelve y todavía lo amas, déjalo ir otra vez, y así sucesivamente.

Versión vengativa:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si no vuelve, sal a buscarlo y pégale un tiro.

Versión del abogado:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre, y busca en el código civil la parte que habla del abandono de hogar por parte de un cónyuge.

Versión estadística:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si él te quiere, las probabilidades de que vuelva son de un 86.5%; si no te quiere, tus relaciones con él caen en el campo de lo improbable, con un margen de error de un 3%.

Versión posesiva:

Si amas a alguien, no lo dejes ir.

Versión del psicoanalista:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si vuelve es porque tu ego es muy dominante; si no se quiere ir debe estar muy loco.

Versión del sonámbulo:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si vuelve es una pesadilla; si no vuelve, debes estar soñando.

Versión del mercadólogo:

Si amas a alguien déjalo libre; si vuelve, es una persona leal a su marca; si no vuelve, es hora de hacer un relanzamiento en un nuevo mercado.

what is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?



One is a scum sucking bottom dewler and the other is a fish.

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. her husband is looking for a rake and cant find it. He yells up to his wife, Wheres the rake?

She replies by shaking her head like she cant hear. So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by; pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch.

He runs up stairs and says, What?

She says, I left tit behind the bush.

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp, the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for.

So the brunette thought awhile and then wished for a million dollars.

Every blonde in the world will get two million, said the genie.

The brunette said that was fine, and then she asked for an incredibly handsom man.

Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men, the genie reminded her.

The brunette said that was fine too, and the genie granted her wishes. Now for your third wish, said the genie.

See that stick over there? asked the brunette. I want you to beat me half to death with it.

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

   And the #1 dirty law statement …

1. Think you can get me off?

Try this at home!

Ring! Ring! Ring!

1 – Hello, Angels R Us, Inc.

2 – Do you sell angels?

1 – Why yes, we do!

2 – Great! I want a bucket of wings, extra crispy.