Old and New Jokes

They always want to know how to cook food stamps.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

I said, WHAT?? So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Im thinking, What was her first clue?

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I dont think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesnt even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, Im ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No, honey. I dont feel like buying all this stuff now. You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

Doctor: “Did that medicine I gave your uncle straighten him out?”

Man: “Yes, they buried him, last week.”

A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25. The farmer had never seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one.

Ill tell you what, said the pilot, if you and your wife can ride in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, Ill let you ride for free. Otherwise, you pay. How about it?

The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air. The pilot was determined to make his passengers shriek in terror. He did loops and flips and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind him never made a sound.

After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the young pilot told the old man, I really am surprised, but as I said, you ride for free. I cant believe that you managed to keep silent for the whole ride.

Yep, said the farmer, but it was pretty tough. I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, Id love to eat some dog.

The second Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, HOT DOGS!

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, Which part of the dogs anatomy did YOU get?

A blonde a brunette and a
redhead were convicted of a crime and sent to jail. Then they decide to
escape, the brunette jumps up on the wall and then jumps in the bushes
on the other side. The guards poke their heads around the door to see
what the noise was so the brunette says, meow meow. The guards say,
dont worry it was just a cat. So then the redhead has to go, she gets
up on the wall and jumps off into the bushes. Once again the guards come
out and see what the trouble was and the redhead says, meow meow. The
guards say, oh never mind, just another cat…

So then its the blondes turn, so she gets up on the wall and jumps off
and into the bushes. And the guards come out once again to see what all
the noise is so the blonde says, Dont Worry Its Just Another Cat!!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Omega!
Omega who?
Omega best man win!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

118. Call your roommate Clyde by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him Clyde all the time. If your roommate protests, say, Im sorry. I wont do that anymore, Murray.

Gordons First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.