Old and New Jokes

Your Momma sooo ugly, when she go to the beach the tide dont come in!



Your Momma so dirty, when she stand next to a building she look like an alley!



Your Momma so poor, she go to Mcdonalds to put a shake on layaway!



Your Momma so dumb, she called information to ask for the number to 911!



Your Momma so fat her belt size says equator.

Cocaine is natures way of telling you you have too much money.

An old Jewish man was trying to cross a street in Berlin in 1943 when he accidentally bumped into a burly stormtrooper.

Schweinhund, said the trooper aggressively.

Goldberg, greeted the man, stretching out his hand.

In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:

Im married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long, while Im in the shower, while Im cooking breakfast, while Im making the beds, and even while Im trying to clean the house. Can you tell me what to do?

Signed, Worn Out

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting

Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?

Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.

Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmno_qrstuvwxyz.

Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but wheres the p?

Malcolm: Miss, its running down my leg!

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hand hell get scared away, the boy said. He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, Open your hands! Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.

Una ocasión pasaba Pepito por el cuarto de su hermana cuando de pronto vió que ella estaba desnuda frente al espejo y restregándose todo el cuerpo decía ¡Quiero un hombre! ¡Quiero un hombre!

Al otro día pasa nuevamente Pepito por el cuarto de su hermana y la ve con un hombre. Inmediatamente corre a su cuarto y se empieza a desvestir frente al espejo y una vez desnudo empieza restregarse su cuerpo diciendo ¡Quiero una bici! ¡Quiero una bici!

Dos amigos se encuentran en su viaje anual de cacería cuando, sin pensar, entran a la zona de leones. Mientras están preparando sus armas, un león se acerca y se les pone enfrente, mirándolos a los ojos. Uno de los camaradas dice, con voz muy baja:

Compadre, páseme con mucho cuidado mis tenis sin hacer ruido

Se cambia las botas por los tenis y se pone un pantaloncillo. El amigo, al verlo, exclama:

¡Oiga, compadre, no sea payaso! ¿A poco cree que le va a ganar a correr al león así?

Pues al león no sé, ¡pero a usted sí!

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off."Whats so funny?" they asked him. "It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbors house blew up."

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

This is exciting, thought the gentleman. Ive always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Ill be able to see him in person.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. Im really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, hell ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters u-n-t?

Only one word leapt to mind. My goodness, thought the gentleman, I cant tell the Pope that. There must be another word.

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, I think the word youre looking for is aunt.

Of course, said the Pope. Do you have an eraser?