Old and New Jokes

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs was I getting into or out of the bath?The 74-year-old yelled back I dont know. Ill come up and see. She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, was I going up the stairs or down?The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, I sure hope I never get that forgetful. She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, Ill come up and help both of you as soon as I see whos at the door.

One day in the future, Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

I dont know what to do here, says the devil. Youre on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so Ill tell you what Im going to do. Ive got a couple folks here who werent quite as bad as you. Ill let one of them go, but you have to take their place. Ill even let you decide who leaves.

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

No, Bill said. I dont think so. Im not a good swimmer and I dont think that I could do that all day long.

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Al Gore with a mop and a room full of spotted owls. All he did was clean up owl droppings, hour after hour after hour.

No, no, this really stinks. I would be in constant agony if I had to smell owl shit all day, commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what Monica does best.

Clinton looked at this in disbelief and finally said, Yeah, yeah, I can handle this.

The devil smiled and said OK, Monica, youre free to go!

Your mama is like a vaccum she sucks, blows, then gets thrown in the closet.

Some teachers are in the habit of preaching dead dogma that has long since stopped being meaningful. Spiritual teaching, like everything else, needs renewal.

A wise teacher who lived in China was visited by a friend who brought with him a nice duck. They made a handsome meal of it. The next day, another man, who claimed to be the friend of the friend who brought the duck, dropped by for a meal. The teacher shared the scraps with him, for that was all he had.

The next evening yet another man dropped in claiming to be the friend of the friend of the friend who brought the duck. The teacher asked him to sit down and served him a bowl of hot water.

What is this? asked the visitor in consternation.

That, said the teacher, is soup made from the soup made from the soup of the duck I was given three days ago.

A Jewish woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. How much is it? she asked the storekeeper.

14 cents, answered the storekeeper to the lady.

14! For what? asked the Jewish lady. I think its 11.

The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents.

I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11. What are your saying?

As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11…I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11.

Un tipo entró a un bar y empezó a presumir de ser el mejor cazador del mundo. Como algunos se burlaron de él, éste aseguró que podía reconocer la piel de cualquier animal con sólo tocarla y, no sólo eso, también que podía decir el calibre del rifle con el que lo habían matado únicamente con localizar el agujero de la bala.

Comenzó una discusión y pronto apostaron las bebidas para ver si era cierto. Le vendaron los ojos al tipo y le dieron la piel de un animal. Después de tocarla un momento, aseguró:

Castor.

Después tocó el agujero de bala y declaró:

Lo mataron con un rifle calibre 22.

¡Tenía razón! Nadie podía creerlo, así que apostaron otra ronda de bebidas y alguien trajo una piel que tenía en la cajuela del carro. Esta vez le tomó un poco más de tiempo y entonces aclaró:

León del Kalahari.

Y un poco después:

Fue un rifle 380.

¡Había acertado de nuevo! La multitud estaba cada vez más curiosa, así que siguieron apostando ronda tras ronda de bebidas y el tipo siguió ganando siempre. Finalmente, ya entrada la noche, el tipo regresó cayéndose de borracho a casa, y se acostó de inmediato.

Por la mañana, al levantarse, vio en el espejo que tenía un ojo completamente morado. Intrigado, se dirigió a su esposa:

Oye, anoche llegué borracho, pero no tanto como para no recordar que no tuve ningún pleito. ¿Cómo es que tengo este ojo morado?

Molesta, la esposa, le aclaró:

Yo te lo puse así.

Pero, ¿yo qué te hice?

Te acostaste en la cama; metiste tu mano bajo mi ropa interior; y después de tocarme un rato dijiste: ¡Zorrillo, muerto con un hacha!

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy humans face.
Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy humans genital region.
Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shall not reset thy humans alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping humans bladder at 4 a.m.
Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore, houseplants are not meat.
Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.

A small balding man stormed into a local bar one evening and demanded, Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! Im so pissed off I cant even see straight! The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.



The man swilled down the drink and demanded, Gimme another ONE! The bartender pours the drink, but said, Now, before I give you this, why dont you let off a little steam and tell me WHY youre so upset?



So the man begins his tale: Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighbourhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady cant make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door.



Well, the woman says, Oh my god, its my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match today, hes gonna be REAL MAD! He wont believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!



So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didnt hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured hes bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDNT see me.



The bartender says Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point.



Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, Tell me, who you been seeing now?



The girl said, Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down. Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. Im thinking, Boy, Im glad I didnt hide in there. Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didnt hide under there either.



Then I heard him say, Whats that over there by the WINDOW? I think Oh boy, Im dead meat now. But the woman by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking.



Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe hes gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!



The bartender said, Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE. No, the customer replied, that didnt really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. Theyre a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass.



The bartender looks at the guys hands and agreed, Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET.



No, that WASNT what really pissed me off. The bartender then asked in exasperation, Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?



Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!!!

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck