Old and New Jokes

So ugly people could have sex.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Three – one to change the light bulb and two to say Oh Wow!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

Estaba la mestra preguntando a todos los niños en clase, que si qué harían de grandes y unos decían que ingenieros, doctores, contadores públicos, para ganar mucho dinero.

Llega con Pepito: y tu, Pepito ¿qué harás de grande?

Sembrador, maestra.

Dirás agricultor, Pepito.

Eso, maestra.

Ok, Pepito, agricultor a gran escala.

No, maestra, nomás 10 hectáreas.

Pero, Pepito, eso es muy poquito, y ¿qué sembrarás, Pepito?

Pelos, maestra.

¿Queeeee Pepito?

Sí, maestra, porque oigo a mi tía que dice cuando se emborracha, tengo mucho dinero en los bancos, casas, carros, barcos etc… y todo lo he logrado con puñito de pelos, se imagina maestra con 10 hectáreas de pelos…

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. Youve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wifes birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time marred girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month; References required.
Wanted: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.
Wanted: Mothers helper, peasant working conditions.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience preferred.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Yo mama has green hair and thinks shes a tree.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Ten things that dads probably dont say too often!

10. Well, how bout that?… Im lost. Looks like well have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that youre 13, youll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Wont that be fun?

8. I notice that all your friends have a certain up yours attitude… I like that.

7. Heres a credit card and the keys to my new car… go crazy.

6. What do you mean you wanna play rugby? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I dont know whats wrong with your car. Probably one of those watchamacallits – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching and lets go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Fathers Day? Dont worry about that – its no big deal.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.

He sat down next to a priest.

The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.