Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if your dog sits in the front seat and your wife sits in the back seat.

Llega un matrimonio que recién se sacaron la lotería a un convivio de ricos de alcurnia. Toman Champagñe y en eso a la nueva rica le dan ganas de ir al baño y se expresa:

Permiso, voy a mear.

El esposo le regaña y le dice que se exprese así:

Permiso voy al baño a desalojar los líquidos que ingerí.

Al rato se repite la acción y la señora dice:

Permiso, voy al baño a desalojar los líquidos que ingerí…

Y después de unos segundos agrega:

Y si me tardo pueque cague…

December 14th

Dearest John:



I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.



With dearest love and affection, Agnes



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December 15th



Dearest John:



Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.



All my love, Agnes



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December 16th



Dear John:



Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. youre just too kind.



Love Agnes



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December 17th



Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.



Affectionately, Agnes



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December 18th



Dearest John:



What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.



All my love, Agnes



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December 19th



Dear John:



When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!



Cordially, Agnes



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December 20th



John:



Whats with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? Theres bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fucking birds.



Sincerely, Agnes



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December 21st



OK Buster:



I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I cant move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.



Ag



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December 22nd



Hey Shithead:



What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers playing. And Christ – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Youll get yours.



From Ag



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December 23rd



You Rotten Prick:



Now theres ten ladies dancing – I dont know why I call those sluts ladies. Theyve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnt be condemned. Im sic-ing the police on you.



One who means it, Ag



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December 24th



Listen Fuckhead:



Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.



Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister



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December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Buggar)



Dear Sir:



This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.



2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.



3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

Q: Why do men always give their penis a name?

A: Because they dont want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them.

You cant expect to hit the jackpot if you dont put a few nickles in the machine.

Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

Walking across a bridge one day, one man saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So the first man ran over and said, Stop! Dont do it! Why shouldnt I? the second man said. The first man said, Well, theres so much to live for! Like what? the suicidal man said said. Well, are you religious or atheist? Religious. Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist? Christian. Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant? Protestant. Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? Baptist! Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? Baptist Church of God! Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God? Reformed Baptist Church of God! Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915? Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915! The first man said Die, heretic scum! and pushed him off.

In his youth, Frank was in good shape. But about 10 years ago he started gaining weight, and became quite obese.

Frank decided to loose weight. He worked hard, passed up desserts and excessive food in spite of the difficulty in doing so, and gradually went back to his former weight.

Again being slim, Frank decided to try on an old suit he hadnt been able to wear for years. It looked great. But he noticed something in the pocket. It was a ticket from a local shoe repair shop.

Frank didnt remember taking any shoes to be repaired, but he decided to take in the ticket to see if they still had his shoes.

The next day he walked in the door of the repair shop, and handed the clerk the ticket. After disappearing behind a curtain for several minutes, the clerk came out and announced, They will be ready next Tuesday.

Customer: Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, wont other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there?

Tech Support: No, thats not possible. Why would you think that?

Customer: You see it on the TV all the time.