Old and New Jokes

Yo mamas so dumb she thought Master P was a special restroom.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Warner!
Warner who?
Warner you coming out to play!

8. Leave prank messages on the CEOs voice mail.

I know Daddys password! While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, I know Daddys password! I know Daddys password!
What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

God said, Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.

So, down they sat at the keyboards and typed away.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent out e-mail.

They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a streak of lightning flashed from the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And the electricity went off.

Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.

Satan screamed, I lost it all when the power went off! What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus work?

Jesus just sat and smiled.

Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed print, it was all there.

How did he do it? Satan asked.

God smiled and said, Jesus Saves.

Since the election season in the United States has passed I have
one more thing that may amuse the good people of the Net.

This is all taken directly from the State of Oregon voters
pamphlet.

In Oregon, as in several states, we have what is called an
initiative process. This allows anyone who can collect enough
signatures on petitions to put anything they want up for a public
vote. The first part is the measure itself.

The second part is one of the arguments in favor. You can have one
of these put in the voters pamphlet for $300.

This measure failed by only a 10% margin.

Measure No. 9, State of Oregon

BALLOT TITLE

AMENDS CONSTITUTION: GOVERNMENT CANNOT FACILITATE, MUST DISCOURAGE HOMOSEXUALITY, OTHER BEHAVIORS

QUESTION-Shall constitution be amended to require that all
governments discourage homosexuality, other listed behaviors, and
not facilitate or recognize them?

SUMMARY-Amends Oregon Constitution. All governments in Oregon may
not use their monies or properties to promote, encourage or
facilitate homosexuality, pedophilia, sadism, or masochism. All
levels of government, including public education system, must
assist in setting a standard for Oregons youth which recognizes
that these behaviors are abnormal, wrong, unnatural and
perverse and that they are to be discouraged and avoided. State
may not recognize this conduct under sexual orientation or
sexual preference labels, or through quotas, minority status,
affirmative action, or similar concepts.

ESTIMATE OF FINANCIAL IMPACT-Minimal financial impact. The
Department of Education expects to make some in curriculum changes
valued at $210,000 Federal Funds if this measure passes.

ARGUMENT IN FAVOR

According to the book of Leviticus in the Bible, Oyster eating,
crossbreeding cattle, shaving a beard, wearing clothes made of
mixed fibers, cursing ones parents and adultery are just as
immoral as homosexuality. If the OCAs No Special Rights
Committee wants to take one of the 3,000-year old laws of ritual
holiness from Leviticus and put it into the Bill of Rights in the
state constitution, they should be sincere enough to put all the
rest of Leviticus into the constitution as well. Its simple
matter of respect for these historic laws to treat them
consistently.

We at the Special Righteousness Committee are just as offended
by oyster eating, shaving and mixed fibers as the OCA is offended
by homosexuality, and we have just as much right as the OCA does to
change the state constitution to require government discrimination
against people whose behavior we dont like.

My friends, do you want the public schools teaching your
children that shaving is a legitimate and equal alternative style
to a normal healthy beard? Would you want to be forced to hire an
oyster-eater to direct your church choir? Adam and Eve wore fig
leaves–100 percent fig leaves–and this is divine proof that those
disgustingly unnatural cotton/polyester blends are sinful. And
when the OCA was analyzing the threat to traditional family values,
we dont know how they managed to overlook adultery! Why theres
a lot more adultery than homosexuality going on out there, and
extrapolations from the OCA statistics show that 90 percent of the
people who have engaged in sexual perversions are heterosexual
(straight).

The state condones adultery by not punishing it by death as
required by Leviticus. It promotes oyster-eating by licensing
seafood restaurants, it allows people to take mixed fibers out in
public without being fired or evicted! The state is encouraging
sin!

If the OCA can have the special right to make their personal
moral agenda into public policy, then anyone else also should be
able to amend the state Bill of Rights to eliminate basic rights
for people who they dont like.

Lets put ALL of Leviticus into the constitution! A yes vote
is the first step in facilitating our militant moral agenda.

AGREE WITH US OR BURN IN HELL!

Special Righteousness Committee
(address deleted)

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

Black pepper, or white pepper? asked the concierge.

Toilette pepper!

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

The ability to eat only one peanut.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesnt do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol of the phallo – centric, war – mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, theres like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.