Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
OKay, this chick walks into a pharmacy. Theres a guy at the counter.
The chick says, Doctor! I need your help!
He says What do you need?
She takes off her shirt and shes got this big O on her chest. She says, How do I get rid of this?
The doctor said, howd it happen?
She goes, Well, whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, he wears his Oklahoma University jacket!
The doctor said Just tell him to take it off.
She said OK.
And then this other chick walks in with the same problem and goes,Doctor! Help! Ive got a big F on my chest!
He was like, Holy crap, another girl with the same problem? and he says, Just tell him to take it off.
And she said OK.
And then this third chick walks in with the same problem and says, Doctor! Help! Ive got a big W on my chest!
The doctor was thinking, What the hell! Same thing again! He says, Lemme guess. Your boy friend goes to Wisconsin U and when he has sex with you he wears his jacket.
And she says, Well, not quite. My girlfriend goes to Michigan.
Lorenzs Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Why are you shaking? Shes going to eat me!
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers.
Dear (her name) or babe,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ My breasts are bigger than yours.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Your repeated comments such as, Is it still called a penis when its this small? were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he beats that domestic abuse rap shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be just like your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)
Sometime ago there was a list of reasons why beer is better than women;
the women responded with their reasons why cucumbers are better than
men. Heres an attempt at making peace..
9 Reasons Why Beer May Not Be As Great As Women.
- A beer bottle doesnt look any better with its labels off.
- Peeling off beer labels isnt as much fun.
- You can suck a beer at only one spot.
- Enjoying a beer involves a positive calorie intake.
- The bottom of a beer can isnt very interesting.
- You cant eat a beer.
- You cant buy a beer at 9AM on Sunday.
- Theres a law about driving after having too many beers
- You have to be over 21 to enjoy a beer.
Ali Shaik uunet!philabs!ams
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The head of the tribe says to the German, What do you want on your back for your whipping?
The German responds, I will take oil!
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, What do you want on your back?
I will take nothing! says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
What will you take on your back? the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, Ill take the Mexican.
The difference between men and women: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: PIG!!
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with B—–!
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
Demians Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read Abandon hope all ye who enter here.