Old and New Jokes

There were 3 men waiting to enter Heaven. Before they were allowed to enter, St. Peter asked each man individually, Tell me, what is the meaning of Easter?

The first man said, Uh, isnt Easter the holiday when all you family Gets together to eat turkey and then you all watch football afterwards?

St. Peter shook his head. No, no, no… thats not what Easter is.

So St. Peter walked over to the second man and asked, Tell me, what is the meaning of Easter?

The second man replied, Easter is that holiday where you set up a tree And decorate it and that man in the funny red suit comes down the chimney and…

St. Peter cut him off. No, no, no, thats not what Easter is either.

St. Peter was feeling very discouraged. Did anybody know what Easter was? He walked over to the third man and asked, Tell me, what is the meaning Of Easter.

The third man answered, Easter is the holiday when Jesus was crucified On the cross and then they buried him in a tomb and he stayed there for Three days, and on the third day…

St. Peter interrupted him, Stop, dont go any further… let me go get These other two men. St. Peter summoned the first two men to come and listen to the third mans definition of Easter.

Okay, start over again and tell these men the meaning of Easter.

The third man started again, Easter is the holiday when Jesus was Crucified on the cross and then they buried him in a tomb and he stayed there for three days,…

Go on, said St. Peter.

And then on the third day, Jesus rose from the tomb, and if he saw his shadow, it was six more weeks of bad weather.

Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?

A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

Then there was the psychology professor, a Yankees Yankee and a
feminists feminist, who tells the following story about herself to illustrate
that doctorates dont necessarily make you smart.

She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio.
It was about 10 am, and shed been driving the entire preceding day and night
herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched
for a motel in which to crash.

A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser,
swaggered up to her drivers window, bent down, and drawled, Lookie here,
darlin,–uh oh, everybody duck–Lookie here, darlin, nobody blows
through Georgia that fast.

Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: Sherman did.

She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket;
he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and
wait at the police station until three in the afternoon for a circuit judge
to arrive so that he could explain to her why it wasnt the best idea in
the world to be impolite to policemen, who were after all interested only
in creating the safest possible environment for everybody including her,
etc. etc. The lecture went on for about two hours, she says, after which
she was released to drive the fifty miles back to her route and resume her
search for someplace to crash.

A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after shell die, to which the man said-OK.

Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home -Ok said the man, and you may give her my silver-OK said he, you will also give her my jewelry-OK, said the man, and you will also give her my dresses, said the woman –

This will not be possible, answered the man -you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10.

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!"

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.

When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.

The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.

When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.

This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang.

When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.

It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroachs attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said…

Yes, theres a nasty bug going around.

You see a bumper sticker that says Users are Losers and you
have no idea it is referring to drugs.
Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually
finished college.
You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to
render obscene pictures of upper management people.
Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion
The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
What? No raise? No Backups, then!
You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the
Unix File System.
You have ever uttered the phrase I will be working from home
today so I can avoid wearing pants.

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: I have gone to the bridge club. Therell be a recipe for your dinner at 7 oclock on Channel 2.

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission.

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife was always nagging him in sign language.

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his ex girlfriends house.

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he stayed home too much and was much too affectionate.

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the mens retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, Anyone who can guess whats in my hand, can make wild passionate love to me tonight!

A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, An elephant?

Bessie thinks a minute and replies, Close enough!

The following, by Jules Feiffer, ran in Tuesdays The New York Times.

The monologue is delivered by a young woman, seated in a comfy chair, leafing through a copy of the STARR REPORT:

You read the complete text and you begin to understand …

That the real problem of the Clinton Presidency is not that he lied under oath or obstructed justice…

The real problem is that theres a teen-ager living in the White House.

Clumsy, flirtatious, demanding, rejecting … scared, shamed, dishonest, diffident.

No handcuffs, no whips and chains, just classic adolescent guilt-ridden lust.

I dont think he should be impeached … I think he should be grounded.