Old and New Jokes

A tiny racing car was developed by American scientists.
The Americans then sent the car over to Japan to see what the Japanese
could do to better the car.
The Japanese added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than sent
it to the U.K.
The British scientists, to better the car, added a sound system and window
tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese, who
added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car.
The Chinese then sent it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at
the tiny car, appreciated all the modifications
the other countries had made,
turned it over and stamped a sign on it…. MADE IN INDIA!!!

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.

What 3 things did Hellen Kellers parents do to punish her?

1. Locked her in a circular room and told her to go stand in the corner.


2.Rearanged the furniture when she didnt know.


3.Left a plunger sitting in the toilet.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said Im off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon. Wouldnt you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. Good morning, maam. You dont know me, but Ive come to… Oh yes, I know why youre here. Harry told me youd be coming soon. He did? But I… Come right in! No use wasting time . Very well, then. The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. As you may already know, Ive made a specialty of babies. Good, Im glad, said Mrs. Jacobs. Thats just what Harry and I were looking for. I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed, said the photographer. The living room floor is fun too…you can really spread out. Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me. Well, maam, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think youll be quite pleased with the results. I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly, Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. Maam, in my line of work a man must take his time. Id like to be in and out in five minutes, but youd be disappointed with that, Im sure. Dont I know! said Mrs. Jacobs. The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London, he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. Oh my God! exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief. And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with. He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. She was difficult? questioned Mrs. Jacobs. Extremely, said the photographer. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look. Four and five deep! Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. Yes, said the photographer. And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in. Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um…equipment? Yes, maam. Thank God, no real damage was done. Well, well get to work as soon as I set up my tripod. Tripod? Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now. Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. Its much to big for me to hold while Im getting ready for action. Maam…maam…good God, shes fainted!

Hear about the ninja that joined the army?…

.. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself…

Q: Why dont blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?

A: Cause their balls show!

CSICOP PRESS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: Kevin Christopher

E-mail: SIKevinC@aol.com

Skeptics put luck to the test on Friday the 13th

Amherst, NY (October 3, 2000) – October 13, 2000 is the dreaded Friday the 13th. While triskedekaphobes (those afraid of the number 13) will be staying at home with the curtains drawn, skeptics will be gathering at the Center for Inquiry in Amherst, NY, to put old superstitions to the test.

Now in its fifth year, the Friday the 13th Superstition Bash is becoming something of a tradition, an event where people dont worry one bit about straining their relationship with Lady Luck.

Participants will take part in the Luckless Raffle (where the winner loses all) and a Superstition Obstacle Course – where people will open umbrellas indoors, walk under ladders, and dodge a black cat bent on ruining their day. They can also get a reading from a real Misfortune Teller and tour a Museum of Superstition.

The event will culminate in an official Breaking of the Mirror where skeptics will collectively thumb their noses at superstitions about bad luck.

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water BedNixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold SoreNixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President was a geekNixon: Couldnt stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldnt stop kissing herNixon: Couldnt explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldnt explain the 36-DD bra in his brief caseNixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No differenceNixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan Nixons The One
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying Hes the oneNixon: Famous for his widows peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G SpotNixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a HoNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asked the accountant, Wheres the three million bucks you embezzled from me?

The accountant didnt answer.

The Godfather asked again, Wheres the three million bucks you embezzled from me?

The attorney interrupted, Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.

The Godfather said, Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.

The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.

The accountant signed back, I dont know what youre talking about.

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, He doesnt know what youre talking about.

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, Ask him again where the @#!* money is!

The attorney signed to the accountant, He wants to know where it is!

The accountant signed back, Okay! Okay! The moneys hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!

The Godfather asked, Well, what did he say?

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, He said that you dont have the guts to pull the trigger.