Old and New Jokes

One day, this young boy and his Grandfather were fishing in a boat out on a lake. The Grandfather pulls out a beer from his cooler and starts drinking it. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? Grandpa replies, When your willies long enough to touch your ass, then youll be old enough and I will give you one.

A little later the Grandfather pulls out a long cigar. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? He replies If your willie can touch your ass, then you can have one.

Later that day the boy pulls out a snack pack and starts eating it. The Grandfather asks, Grandson, can I get one of those?

The boy asks, Can your willie touch your ass?

The Grandfather says Yes it can.

The boy says, Then go screw yourself.

were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them theyd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying JESUS SAVES. One of the girls asked the cop, How come you dont stop them?
Well, thats a little different, the cop smiled. Their sign pertains
to religion. So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them, when he noticed the new sign which now read….
TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER—$50.00.

Theres an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: I was cleaning my daughters room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didnt even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: Thats nothing. I was cleaning my daughters room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didnt even know she drank!

With that the Irishman says: Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughters room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didnt even know she had a willy!

I cant remember where I read this several years ago but it was
alleged to have really happened.

Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics, he and his campaign
manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota.
While they were in a small town, a bus-load of tourists pulled in.
The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a
few voters and that he should go on the bus and pump them up a
bit, then Humphrey could go shake everybodys hand. This sounded
good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing
his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to
town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, I guess I should
mention that we have a guy here who thinks hes Hubert Humphrey, and
he does look and talk an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But hes
a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so wed appreciate it if
you would just kind of be nice to him.

After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they
acted.

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, Windy, isnt it?
Second one says, No, its Thursday!
Third one says, So am I. Lets go get a beer.

Rip a top joke off another website.

Uno de los locos del manicomio sale del baño corriendo y gritando desesperado:

¡Llévenme donde el director que he descubierto mi problema

Ante tanto alboroto, uno de los médicos lo lleva donde el director.

¿Qué es lo que pasa?

Doctor, fíjese que ya sé lo que me pasa y, tal como se lo había dicho, ¡no estoy loco!

A ver, dígame, entonces ¿qué es lo tiene?

El loco, bajándose rápidamente los pantalones, se mete el dedo medio por el ano; lo saca y, sin darle tiempo a nadie de reaccionar, se lo pasa por la nariz al doctor, al mismo tiempo que le grita:

Ya ve doctor, no estoy loco: ¡Yo lo que estoy es podrido!

1.- Al encender su carro :

Pida al Dios Todo Poderoso que lo cuide y proteja contra los peligros que encontrará en las calles dominicanas. Tenga mucho cuidado con los conductores en reversa. Esta clase de conductores son muy famosos por salir en reversa desde sus marquesinas, sin importarles mucho lo que pueda haber en el camino. Si se encuentra con uno de estos conductores entonces usted podrá poner en práctica el saludo dominicano de conductores.

2.- Saludo dominicano de conductores :

Para saludar a un conductor dominicano, baje lentamente su ventana y con un tono grave y fuerte diga: TU MALDITA MADRE, puede incluirse al final de la expresión algún sustantivo calificativo como: JUE LA GRAN PUTA, MARICONAZO, DEGRACIAO, FATAL (escoja el mas adecuado). De todas maneras, esté siempre preparado para responder con un VAYASE A LA MIERDA o CALLESE BUENA MIERDA. En caso de que el otro conductor lo haya saludado primero. Puede acompañar el saludo con señales producidas con el dedo mayor de cualquiera de sus manos.

3.- Luces direccionales :

Si un conductor en otro carril enciende sus luces direccionales con la intención de cambiar de carril, no lo deje entrar a su carril. De hecho, pise el acelerador y póngase próximo a él. Es probable que el conductor intente saludarlo, pero usted ya sabe exactamente que hacer (ver parrafo anterior referente a! saludos Dominicanos de Conductores).

4.-Semáforos :

Estos interesantes artefactos suelen encontrarse en las intersecciones de las calles sin tener ninguna razon de existir, pero ahí están. Es muy probable encontrar conductores detenidos observando como cambian las luces de colores (una experiencia fascinante). Los policías de tránsito creen que cada color tiene un significado que el conductor debe respetar. De la observación efectuada se ha determinado el significado de cada color:

a.- Luz amarilla: acelere su carro tanto como pueda.

b.- Luz roja: esta luz le permite a 5 o 6 carros más después de su encendido.

c.- Luz verde: reduzca la velocidad y espere que 5 o 6 carros atraviesen su luz roja.

Nota: es vital tocar la bocina a los 1.5 segundos del encendido de la luz verde.

5.- Cambio de carril :

Antes que nada, no importa lo que vaya a hacer, nunca encienda sus luces direccionales, de lo contrario provocar la reacción del otro conductor ver (Luces direccionales). Observe al conductor que viene por el carril al que desea cambiarse, y ante su menor descuido métase desenfrenadamente, se sorprenderá al darse cuenta que sólo necesita unos centímetros entre carro y carro. En ese momento será saludado (ver párrafo anterior referente a saludos Dominicanos de Conductores) por no menos de 3 conductores. Para perfeccionar su cambio de carril hay varias técnicas, por ejemplo: intente desacelerar su carro drásticamente y en cuestión de segundos, no deje de observar el fenómeno de reacción en cadena producido por el conductor de atrás, y en medio del caos cambie de carril y acelere.

6.- Tapones :

Durante los tapones se realizan actividades muy divertidas:

a. Toque su bocina;

b. Retoque su maquillaje (conductoras Femeninas);

c. Pierda peso sudando como un perro si no tiene aire acondicionado;

d. Salude a otros conductores (ver párrafo anterior referente a saludos Dominicanos de Conductores).

e. Perfeccione su cambio de carril.

f. Hable por el celular (es más común utilizarlo mientras conduce).

g. Sáquese los mocos, introduciendo su dedo hasta lo más profundo de su cerebro y forme bolitas con ellos para entretenerse mientras espera.

h. Escupa fuertemente hacia la calle y luego mire los labios de los otros conductores mientras le dicen mira ese puerco

7.- Peatones :

Estos individuos son una molestia para los conductors. En caso de encontrar uno de estos, acelere y muéstrele quién es el jefe. En las intersecciones, ceda el paso al peatón y cuando lo tenga en la mira tírele el carro arriba. Si no llega a darle, puesto que son muy hábiles, no se preocupe, seguramente le habrá dado un buen susto.

These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual 3 to 1, majority rules statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.Oh, God! he cried. I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. A sign from God! See, Im right, I knew it! But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign! This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.I told you I was right! cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, Oh God…, the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, HEEEEEEEES RIIIIIIIGHT!The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, Well?So, shrugged one of the other rabbis, now its 3 to 2.

Mother,
father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants
walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says
to his mother, "Whats that?"
"Thats the elephants tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh,
nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same
question.
His father looks and says, "Thats the elephants
penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks
the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and
says, "Son, Ive spoiled that woman."