A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, Father, remember psalm 129?

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, Father, remember psalm 129? Once again the priest apologized. Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

You know youve been married too long when a Quickie before dinner now means a drink.

IM GOING FISHING
Translated: Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

ITS A GUY THING
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
Translated: Why isnt it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR
Translated: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
Translated: I have no idea how it works.

TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.
Translated: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.
Translated: Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.
Translated: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, & GOT YOU THESE ROSES.
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

OH, DONT FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, ITS NO BIG DEAL.
Translated: I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.
Translated: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.
Translated: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Translated: What did you catch me at?

I HEARD YOU.
Translated: I havent the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
Translated: Oh, please dont try on one more outfit, Im starving.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
Translated: No one will ever see us alive again.

Q. How do you get an elephant out of a
theatre?

A. You cant. Its in their blood.

Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An air bag.

What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?

Meals on Wheels!

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

-USA Today: WERE DEAD





-The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS





-National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN





-Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE





-Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE





-Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE





-Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER





-Wired: THE LAST NEW THING





-Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR





-Readers Digest: BYE





-Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?





-TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!





-Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!





-America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.



Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE





-Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, & Jerry sanders (CEOs of Microsoft, Intel & AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise was suddenly emitted from where Bill was sitting.

Bill said : Oh! thats my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call.: So Bill lifted his wrist-watch to his ear and began talking into the end of his tie. Having completed the call, he noticed the others were staring at him. So Bill explained : Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can take a call anywhere. The others nodded, and the meeting continued.

5 min later, the discussion was again interrupted when this time round, from Andy started a beeping sound. Oh thats my emergency beeper he said. Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call. Andy tapped his earlobe and began talking into thin air. When he completed the call, he noticed the others staring at him and thus explained, I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is embedded in this fake tooth, isnt that neat?

The others nodded and the meeting continue. Later still, the discussion was again interrupted when Jerry emitted a thunderous fart. He looked up at the others staring at him and said, Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper….. Im receiving a FAX.