A blonde went to buy a lottery ticket, and sure enough, she won! She goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, Great! I want my $20 million now please. The man replied, No, sorry lady. It doesnt work that way. We give you a million today, and then youll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years. The blonde said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. Again, the man explained that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, finally screams out, Look, I want my money! If youre not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!
21
Jan
21
Jan
This will be a short meeting
You can put it together yourself in five minutes
One slice of pizza wont blow my diet
Youll housebreak him in no time at all
Theyll feel terrific once you break them in
Weve been in business for 30 years, were not going anywhere
When it sez empty theres always a gallon or two left
If you knew anything at all, you wouldnt be a Traffic Cop
You can make it – that truck isnt coming all that fast
Of course bring the kids
Thats not poison oak
I dont burn, I tan
Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you
Your table will be ready in 5 minutes
Of course theyre mushrooms, toadstools come to a point
No trouble at all, dont give it a second thought
We service what we sell
Believe me, nobodys dressing up
20
Jan
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we will forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever.
Barmen.
20
Jan
How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.
20
Jan
En la calle, un sujeto se dirige con una prostituta:
Te doy 15 dólares si me dejas hacerte el amor.
Por 15 te dejaré verlo nada más.
Bueno, está bien, acepta el tipo.
Los dos se dirigen a un callejón oscuro. La puta se baja la falda y se lo enseña. El tipo se agacha para poder ver; pero como está muy oscuro, saca su encendedor y le ilumina sus partes.
Tienes mucho vello púbico, ¿puedes orinar por all�
¡Claro! ¿Por qué?
¡Porque será mejor que empieces a mear antes de que se te queme todo!
20
Jan
No.1 said I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel
No.2 replied, How lucky for you. Mines still alive.
20
Jan
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
20
Jan
Whats Monica Lewinskys favorite boxing move?
– The Low Blow
20
Jan
Q: What did the blondes mom say to her before the blondes date?
A: If youre not in bed by 12, come home.
20
Jan
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting – even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said U.S. POSTMAN.
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
Now Dillards, now Broadways, now Pennys and Sears
Heres Levitzs and Targets and Mervyns – all here!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOULL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!