Even more clues you could be a Redneck…
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
Youve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes oink!
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
Youve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
Youve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You dont think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, Somebody go jiggle the handle.
You cant take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: Da-ad…
What?
Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?
No. You had your chance. Lights out.
Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…
WHAT?
Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??
I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!
Five minutes later… Daaaa-aaaad…
WHAT??!!
When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
The squeaky wheel doesnt always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively Youve got great hair! The man looked around but couldnt see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say Youre a handsome man! The man looked around, but still couldnt see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again What a stud you are! The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said Oh, its the nuts–theyre complimentary.
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
How did you know? his mother asked.
Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied. I think its printed on the bottom.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, Were they all dead?
The old farmer replied, Well, some of them said they werent, but you know how them politicians lie.
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket – clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louies office, the question was put to him.
So whats the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin or you just want to always be ready or what?
Not scared … Benny growled, been doin it dis way ever since me sister-in-laws weddin bout ten ten years ago now.
Oh yeah? … so …?
Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time – a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much … but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it, Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
And since dat time I gotta do it dis way.
But WHY?!, Louie finally demanded?
Well, I was at da wedding, grumbled Benny, and I wasnt about to say nuttin about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said …
Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!
Se encuentran dos amigos en un bar y uno le dice al otro:
Vamos a hacer un negocio, ¿Cuánto me das si te vendo a mi suegra?
El otro responde:
Por tu suegra, ni un centavo.
Okay, trato hecho.
Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: To get closer to the sink.