Old and New Jokes

You get the most of what you need the least.

The road to to success is always under construction.

In the 22 May 1995 issue of The New Yorker (Price $2.50) there are five book review lampoons written by Christopher Buckley called Doing the McNamara (p. 100). All five are satirically sick. Here is an example:

Fluoridation Reconsidered

General Jack D. Ripper

Whoops Publishers, $18.95 (192p)

General Ripper is probably best known for destroying the world. In 1964, he ordered a wing of B-52 bombers to attack the Soviet Union, triggering the Soviets Doomsday Machine, which blanketed the world with fallout. His decision to start the Third World War was prompted by what he now candidly calls his paranoia in thinking that fluoridation of drinking water was a Communist plot to make him impotent. Ripper now reveals that hes spent the last thirty-one years undergoing some pretty hairy counselling, and that the therapy has allowed him to do something he never could before – cry. I now realize that tears are the most precious bodily fluid of all.

First printing 250,000.

Film rights to Stanley Kubrick.

Author tour.

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest, said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest, said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with one draggin on the ground!, said the youngest daughter.

From Readers Digest:

During a sermon our pastor stated that money wasnt important in the afterlife, because in heaven, there is no money. I overheard one parishioner whisper to her mother, Did you hear that, Mom? Were already in heaven.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cecil!
Cecil who?
Cecil have music whereever she goes….!

You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

You put a Clapper on your headlights.

En un vuelo había 21 pasajeros: 20 japoneses y un argentino. Por defectos en los motores y en el avión, se resuelve que tiene que tirarse un tripulante para salvar al resto. Cuando estaban deliberando, el piso se desgarró, quedando todos los pasajeros colgados del techo. Entonces el argentino dice:

Como yo soy el único argentino y ustedes son mayoría, mejor me tiro yo y salvo la vida de los demás.

¡Bravo! ¡Loable!, gritan los otros a coro.

Pero antes… quiero decir unas palabras…

¡Rápido, hombre, que se cae el avión!

¡Un aplauso por mi gesto tan valiente!

CLAP CLAP CLAP…

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes?

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasnt, he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.

I guess I was just really into it, you know? he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

It was an unusual situation, thats for sure, said officer Taylor. I
walked up to (Lawrence) and hes…just working away at this pumpkin.
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. I
just went up and said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked
me straight in the face and said…………….

A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?